I'm having troubles with my first...

Second life is, I guess, something that's been around for a while, but I'm just hearing about it. Mostly because it's just starting to hit the CNN headlines, my main source for all things "news". For all of you who don't know what I'm talking about check out this article in wikipedia.

Second Life (SL) is a privately owned, partly subscription-based 3-D virtual world, made publicly available in 2003 by San Francisco-based Linden Lab, and founded by former RealNetworks CTO Philip Rosedale. The Second Life "world" resides in a large array of servers that are owned and maintained by Linden Lab, known collectively as "the grid". The Second Life client program provides its users (referred to as Residents) with tools to view and modify the SL world and participate in its virtual economy, which concurrently has begun to operate as a "real" market. At precisely 8:05:45 AM PDT, October 18, 2006, the population of Second Life hit 1 million Residents


Upon first hearing about it, I wasn't too surprised and I kind of thought the idea was cool. Like a Myspace in three-dimension. But then I was reading about it and saw the insane amount of people who had subscribed I thought, there must be some sort of draw, why would grown adults be doing this? True to this theory there are some really immoral things that occur in this "second life". No real shock there, and it looks to be myspace(cubed) in terms of portal of darkness stuff.

So yesterday I was reading an article in CNN/Fortune and they were talking about adults who are making thousands and yes even millions of dollars in these fantasy worlds. Not monopoly money folks, real hard cash. They mostly develop "special" weapons or they develop land in these "worlds" and resell it to other people in these worlds for the currency of that world (second life has Linden Dollars; L$243/USD). As I'm typing this, I keep thinking this is so ridiculous. At any rate the Linden Lab (creators of Second Life) have a currency exchange so you can turn in your Linden bucks for real money.

At any rate, I'm reading this article about people making ridiculous sums of money off of fantasy creations; land/goods that don't really exist (except for in this fantasy world) and I am stunned that people would buy this stuff and stunned that people can make a living like this; but then I think, really, I am doing the same thing. Look at this quote from the article:

Though we readily accept the puzzling valuations that our society attaches to real-world things like diamonds, Louis Vuitton bags, pet rocks, or bottled water, many can't get their minds around the notion of paying for flickering shadows that can never be extracted from the planar surface of an LCD monitor. Yet so much of our economy revolves around buying prestige, status, and fun--rather than food, shelter, and clothing--that there is scant basis for wonder. This weird new commerce reflects simply the growing importance that virtual worlds are playing in the lives of our children, our colleagues, and--like it or not--ourselves. The more time we spend as avatars in synthetic worlds, the more money we will have to shell out keeping up with the Joneses' avatars.

I'm going to take this one step further, most the cash I am dropping might as well be spent on a fantasy life, it's not real. The things I purchase are all going to be burned up one day, they have no real eternal value. I cannot take them with me. I'm really just developing a "fantasy lifestyle" or a second life. I, too, am buying into a fantasy, granted I do have real living expenses, I'm not all referring to those things, I'm just thinking of the frivolous things, the things the don't have near the value I place on them.

I guess I'm going to be rethinking those Gucci sunglasses I found on eBay.

I am not my own

I’m tired of people telling me that my body is my own, that whatever I chose to do with it is my right. I’m tired of people talking about my rights, telling me what my rights are. How about this? I reserve the right, to know my rights, and deny any rights I don’t feel are my own.

I stated earlier this week, that I am a pro-life liberal. I am also a historical feminist; the Susan B Anthony type, the pro-life type. I believe in equal pay for equal work. I want to be judged by my character not my skirt length. I believe any type of violence against women should not be tolerated.

All that being said, modern feminism, that confuses the good of equal rights with the right to kill children, just infuriates me. This type of feminism does this under the guise of the right to choose what I want to do with my body. I read a poem from this view point in a teacher’s resource catalog. It was on a poster to be put in a classroom. I'm tempted to post a picture, but it's so appaling I just can't. This poem told me that “priests and legislators do not hold shares in my womb or my mind.” It told me that my body was my own. It went on to inform me that my life was a “non-negotiable demand.” How foolish.

I am not my own, my body is not my own, anything that will ever live in it or be born out of it will not be my own. I am not confused, I am not addled. I am not brainwashed by religious forces in my life. I am not controlled by shame or guilt. There is something bigger then me. There is someone who supersedes my rights, my life. I am not my own. I do not demand my own life. Who am I to demand such things? Who am I to declare my own rights? I am not my own.

Put that on a poster.

Meet Tommy

Live from the living room couch...

I hate raw poultry, I'm so disgusted I can barely keep my eyes open.

Bleh!!!

Sweet Tomato

Today, in a prep run for Thanksgiving, me and some friends (Amanda, Dale, Hartke, and Matthias) went to the coolest buffet in town. Salad, soup, bread, pizza, and a frozen yogurt bar!!

We needed to start the stomach/intestinal stretches for the big day. Yum. Did I say that there will be a hot tub at my Thanksgiving feast? My life rocks!! More, live from the couch, tomorrow.

Deep Conversion/Deep Prayer

I'm reading this book by Thomas Dubay (I love his other books, Fire Within and Evidential Power of Beauty).

The basic idea is that we, as Christians, want to continue in deep growth past the initial point of conversion. Just as we turned from deathly moral depravity, we also want to turn from the "smaller" willed sins and even further we want to be like Jesus in everything.

Here's a great quote from today: "When honest men love objective reality, the way things actually are, and then go on to pursue the goodness of all the virtues and are sensitive to genuine beauty, they are like starving men before a banquet. He immediately sees the answers to his needs."

God, may I be a lover of truth, a seer of beauty, let me see the answer to my needs.

Oh Dearest Tech

Thank you Tyler, your late night help was invaluable.

9 and 1 people, 9 and 1

End-Times Diorama of the Day

Many of you may recall a certain birthday activity we had for one of our dearest office comrades, Dale. We each made an End-Times diorama with her as a main character in an End-Times scenario.

This diorama is brought to us by Katie Peterson. It is Dale, as a martyr(headless), under the altar. You'll notice Dale's blood is crying out for justice.

Yet another piece of end-times art for all of you to ponder.

Last of an Era

Tonight I finished a journal I started five years ago. There are two factors to this incredibly long journal life. 1) I have multiple journals stashed in various corners of my life and 2) I don't really like journaling.

I find that I am a poor recorder of events, not because of my memory, but more that I get bored as I write the story out. I am more of a scream and shout journaler. I'm more of a gusher. When things are overflowing then I need to write it out. Of course I don't record any of the context, but tonight I was reading the geysers of emotions and realized that I don't really need context to figure out what was happening. I remember most of it with clarity.

My emotions are like mile markers, I know where I am by how I feel. I know where I've been by my tone and voice.

At anyrate tonight ended a little book filled with a lot of me. Tomorrow, I imagine, will include a trip to Barnes and Noble for another little book.

Confessions

I have three confessions for the day

1) I am a pro-life liberal
2) I never and still don't like U2
3) I'm addicted to Dog: The Bounty Hunter

Little Changes

I was driving around tonight, just relaxing. I was thinking about prayers I had prayed over the last few years.

I've been praying that the Lord would change how my heart felt about people or situations. As I thought of all the times I've prayed variations of this prayer, and I am amazed at how the Lord has answered it.

There have been times when I loved people and asked the Lord to remove it and he has.

There have been times when I have distrusted people and asked the Lord to change it and he has.

There have been times when I disliked people and asked the Lord to change it and he really, really has; in such a way that I am moved to tears for them in prayer, when I see them I can barely keep it together, it is a totally supernatural thing. I can't change how I feel, I cannot move my own heart. But He is gracious to do it.

Make a hit list kids, make a list of feelings you want to change, cry out spontaneously whenever you feel it. Check up on it in a few months, and I'll bet you'll see movement.

For the Toddler in all of us.

This is part of the Christmas that came early, it's so cute. It just kills me.

Christmas Come Early

Ever had a day when all the good things you've been waiting for (and several things you didn't expect) arrive suddenly and all at once?

It's really a glorious feeling.

Things I received today:

1) numerous comments on my cute new sweater
2) huge new t-shirt display
3) onething clothing
4) onething nalgene sippie cups

It just makes a girl feel giddy.

This just in...

Two members of an un-named department were just seen running and vaulting themselves over the iron railing out front of the bookstore like it was a pommel horse. They proceeded to run over to the gas station like their pants were on fire.

Someone should tell them they aren't in Dukes of Hazard nor are they on US Women's Gymnastics team.

Dolls, aren't we dolls?

This is one of those late night ponderings when friends are just talking and you all realize something about yourselves which may or may not make much sense the next morning. Somehow we began a conversation in which we were all characterized by dolls


This is my friend my Katie P as a doll.. Chatty Kathy


This is dearest Amanda as a doll... Holly Hobbie


Rachel and I are of course... da Bratz



That's right we are dolls!!!!

Genius, Pure Genius

Dennis and the crew at Higher Grounds have yet another winner on their hands.



I just ate the most amazing baked potato. It was the size of my face. It had chili and sour cream and cheese and chives, and it was the size of my face. I don't know if they imported these potatoes from Fiji or what.

Everyone has to try it. It's filling, it's fun, and it's the size of your face.

Baby Boys

Clyde is on the left and Buck is on the right

This is why I dislike dogs

Check out Char and Jesse's Blog

Trifecta of Cuteness (minus one not so cute thing)

My parents bought two beautiful Siamese kittens last Saturday. They are soooo cute. The cat pictured above isn't one of them, but they look just like him. These two new additions join my parents cat Bonnie (a 4 year old tabby they rescued). Bonnie is a mean cat. She hates people and being touched/held/played with.

When my parents go out of town, I'll go over to the house to feed Bonnie and she hisses at me the whole time, literally from the moment I open the door she'll stand up on two feet to be pet once, but any attempt to pet after that first pet; she hisses. I lay down her food bowl and she hisses at me before taking the first bite.

So now Bonnie has two kittens to hiss at, which actually seems to make her hatred of me more intense. Now she just looks at me and hisses, no contact necessary. I'm sure she thinks I'm behind the kitten plot.

The new kittens names are Clyde and Buck, which makes the three of them historically accurate gangsters.

I (heart) British Hamsters

I would just like to say a big thank you to the British Hamster colonies who saved my butt today.

Normally it's the hamsters who fall off their little wheels and trip up the other little hamsters and make my life miserable. But last week I tripped and landed on their hamster cage and managed to obliterate a little hamster civilization and make the lives of many people miserable (including hamster master and trainer; Sir Steve).

So here's to all the little hamster lives I've threatened. In my greatest hour of need they reboarded their little wheels and chugged on.

God bless them, everyone.

Ode to the Pork Baby

To the only friend who loved trivial pursuit as much as I did, to the one of the few who loved Arrested Development, to the only guy who could wear a mullet wig with a high sense of fashion, to a guy who loved listening to Counting Crows greatest hits and remembering where we where when each song came out, to a guy who loved true American muscle cars, to a guy who loved Jesus well and pointed all those around him to a Healer, to a guy who was confident in God's love, to a guy who was the first baby born in October hence "the Pork Baby of Kansas".

Love you Luke, give the Man a high five for me. We'll see you soon.

uggg

yep, that's all, uggg, that's as articulate as I can be, uggggg.

Didn't Leave a Mark

Today I can happily say I have no bruises on my face. I'm thinking this is some type of miracle.

Yesterday I was setting up for conference in the back office area dusting some bookshelves and a 8 foot 3inch wide aluminum pipe rolled off the top of the bookshelf and hit me in the face, right on the bridge of my nose. I heard one of my employees say "ooooo that didn't sound good."

Andrew saw it happen and immediately came to me and started to pray in tongues. Hartke got me Kleenex just in time as my nose began a lovely gush of blood. This is not, I'm sorry to say, the first time these two boys have seen me cry. I'm sure they still remember the disaster at inventory, which started more like laughter and then turned to sobbing. Very scary, especially for guys.

I'd also like to say that this is not the first time I've been hit in the face at the bookstore. Once when I was cashier and stooped down to get something, when I stood up I smashed my temple into the corner of the cash drawer. Saw stars, but had to act like nothing had happened for the customer's sake. I cried later in the bathroom.

Once while helping a customer, a DVD somehow flew out of his hand and hit me smack in the middle of my face. I was already pretty frustrated with the situation, and being hit in the face definitely kicked it up a level, in fact I actually just walked away from the customer to compose myself, all the while Kirk was snickering behind the counter thinking I'm sure, "Kristen is gonna kill this guy."

All that to say, my face is a little sore this morning, I'm just glad I don't have two black eyes. That could have made the women's conference a little more awkward for everyone.

I would also like to just point out for the record, that Pipe and Drape has been the bane of my bookstore existence for the last two years. There is always something annoying happening with it or to it. Finally, the pipes, being so against me have decided to launch a physical assault against my face.

Here's to the conference, may it be more enjoyable then a pipe hitting you in the face.

It's the Little Things

I'm coming to realize how much the little things in my life keep me sane. I shall list these little things so some level of sanity might be found by those who seek it.

1)Sunroof - driving down farm roads in the middle of the night with your sunroof open, looking up to see brightly lit sky - amazing

2)Wake Up calls - every morning my siamese cat (or beast) crawls onto my bed, stalks my face and shoves his nose against mine, while purring like a freight train. He falls asleep with his head under my chin

3)Vitamin B Complex - keeps my nerves connected

4)Vanilla Almond Tea a Lait - knowing that as I open the coffee shop door and nod to the barrista my drink is being made

5)A good pair of jeans

6)my iPod - playing the following lately: Continuum, John Mayer; Stand Still Look Pretty, The Wreakers; Everything in Transit, Jack's Mannaquin; Eyes Open, Snow Patrol; Inside the Sounds of Breaking Down, John Mark McMillan...

7)Mucinex D - the wonder drug

8)My assistant - she bought me flowers this week, oh how I love her

9)My ESV wide margin Bible - making reading so much more interactive

10)Vitamin Water - yum

I hit a bunny...

and I laughed out loud to myself. I'd like to say that my responses to killing little furry and innocent animals are becoming concerning even to myself.

But this is a funny story so I must tell it.

I'm driving along on a dark and wet road when a bunny jumps right in front of my car. I think to myself he's small he'll squat and go right under my car and be unscathed. Then the bunny sees me and begins to panic. I think surely he will panic and move out of the way. Instead he jumps straight up into the air and flails his limbs all about. That's when I hit him, mid air, mid flail, right with my head light. And I just laughed. I laugh now even thinking about it, it is so ridiculous.

The ironic thing is that; I am this bunny. When I was little I hated the game of tag, I hated the game of dodgeball, and I hated those stupid camp mock war games. I hated the feeling of knowing I was caught and the panic of moment when you are about to be tagged/shot/tapped/tackled. I concluded the fastest way around this horror was to simply sit in one place unmoving/unplaying until I could be declared out.

At anyrate the bunny reminded me of that feeling of panic, when you could move out of the way, but instead you are so freaked out that you simply jump up, flail about and get smashed.

The other ironic thing is that today I was that bunny in a different way. I was in one of those surprise situations that reveals how you really feel, the real state of your heart. I jumped up in agitation, only to be smashed by the realization that I need to die/I'm not dead yet. Uggg. Oh, the awkward flailing of self realization, oh, the deafening thud of pride hitting a headlight.

I killed a bunny today, that bunny was me.

Maybe I should rename this blog; meditations on roadkill.

Quote of the Week

"I'd like to give him a spicy Jesus roll."

Stephen Baldwin about trying to evangelise Tom Cruise over a sushi lunch.

Wow.

Women with tools

It's the Sunday after conference, that should indicate a need for rest and relaxation, well it does indicate that, I just didn't fulfill that need. Instead I hoped over to my parents house to see how the home improvement projects are going.

It should be said that for most people this house would be move in ready. Not my parents, they are particular. I was talking to Mark about it on the phone and we both laughed and joked that they should have just called in a wreaking ball and started from scratch. My parents are very particular. They like the hardwood floors and certain types of tiles, and faucets and appliances and drains, and shower heads, and porches and well, houses.

So first home improvement project is removing laminate floors and installing hardwood floors, all by ourselves. Yum. Upon arriving and seeing the pace at which we were progressing, I felt the need to jump in. I announced I could saw. My father looked at me with high eyebrows, but humored me. So I became compound miter saw Kristen. I was fabulous. I had my own safety glasses and everything. As things progressed I measured and sawed. My mother picked out and quality checked each board, and my father hammered them in with an "oversized stapler" and sledge hammer.

My father took us out for steak and key lime pie as thanks for our help.

We got about half way done, and dear old Dad will have to sand them, stain them, and seal them. My parents are crazy and they are getting too old for this back breaking labor.

I plan on steering clear of the house the next few days, or my Dad might hand me the floor sander, and all of our hard work would be for naught.

7 Years and counting...

IHOP is working on their 7 year anniversary (and a feast to end all feasts). I'm really excited to be here during this time. There is a certain amount of joy I feel about being involved with this place. It's home to me.

I was talking today to some of my staff, a lot of them are new because we've transitioned a lot of people in the last year, and I really felt at home with them, I enjoy them and I enjoy getting to know them. When I first started this job I hired and worked with people I already knew, I can't really do that anymore, so it's given me the opportunity to stretch out and get to know a lot more people.

So here's to all the people who help me keep going, who bless this base in more ways then will ever be known: Alicia, Stacey, Matt H, Dale, Char, Jesse, Matthias, Katie, Amanda, Rachel, Robert, Linda, Mandy, Vernon (and team), John, Becca, Vicki, Lauren.

You guys are all in my heart and I thank God when I see and remember you.

Derek Webb's New Album is Free!!

This is a great album and it's free. In a world where you pay for everything, some good things really are free.

Check it out

I hit another possum...

This time I didn't turn around, I just gunned it and smiled. Clearly it had been one of those days.

But it did remind me of the scariest roadkill experience ever.

I was riding in the car with Katie on Blue River Road coming back from Walmart. We were talking and all of a sudden we hit a possum. She freaked out and I told here it was probably just a log or something. But nooooo... she had to turn around to make sure it was dead and to kill it if it wasn't. I begged her not to, but around we turned.

We found him and turned around again so we had him right in our headlights. He was lying there with his eyes wideopen sort of wafting in wind. I kept blinking and staring and I finally declared, "yeah, he's dead." Then all of a sudden the upper half of his body began to lift off the pavement. I screamed so loud I was sure that the glass was going to shatter. He was like a zombie, I turned away at this point still screaming, "CHUCKIE!!"

Katie says he lifted up his front paws and began to drag himself off the road. I couldn't look, all I could do was scream, sure that he would attach himself to our car and haunt us for all of our days.

He didn't and I eventually overcame the trauma of that night, and I've maimed another creature this week, I didn't turn around to check the status. I gunned it and just kept moving.

I'm becoming desensitized to violence, maybe I've been watching to much ER.

Shopping on Amazon right now, and as I searched for a new book it suggested a book I read when I was in high school. It suggested a book called, "What a about those who have never heard?" It was a book about what happened to those who have never heard the gospel preached before they died... hell?

It was question that was haunting me at the time, due to a very moving and excruciating evangelism experience I had just had. This one evangelism experience has in many ways turned me away from street evangelism altogether

I was maybe in 10th grade, and as a youth group we had to go out to this place where young people gathered and share the gospel with strangers, I had an odd zeal and boldness at the time and was quite smart. I went in feeling scared but somewhat confident I could accurately articulate my thoughts.

I was totally unprepared. This "hang out" was a place where college age kids hung out and did wicca or drugs or philosophized about who knows what... It was in this place we were to try to share the gospel... cold turkey.

These kids were smart and brutal and angry. I got pounded over and over. They made me tell them that they were going to hell over and over. Probably just to make me uncomfortable. But in truth most of them were quite content with this reality.

One guy in particular took the time to really talk to me, he seemed concerned that I so blindly followed such foolishness. He asked me a lot of questions he knew I couldn't answer and he admitted I was at quite an unfair advantage and he appreciated my willingness to come out and be "slaughtered".

He asked me what happened to those who never heard the gospel. I had no answer except that God was just and sovereign and he would judge righteously. Not good enough. Now I would say that it's a moot point. There is no one who "has never heard".

It's funny that I would come across this tonight, because I've thought twice about this guy this week, and I haven't thought about him in years. I was driving somewhere and just randomly I began to think and pray for him. I wonder what God has and is doing in his life.

I do know that this conversation turned me inside out. I spent the next year questioning everything, not because this guys arguments were very compelling, they weren't. But he challenged me to really think about what I believed and why. Thankfully I had a fabulous theology teacher and she never questioned my need to question. She just kept handing me rigorous materials, and she let me struggle.

Ultimately I came to believe in the God of my fathers', but it was my own. I'm struggling right now not with foundational doctrine but with the finer points. It makes me think that God has his hand on this foundational search and this deeper search, he is guiding me through a series of events to go deeper.

Do I trust his prompting? Do I trust that he will lead both my head and my heart? I would say yes. I would say that he is good. But even as I say that my thoughts hesitate, I'm stuttering in my spirit. The hesitation is two fold.

1) Will he really guide my theology? Is that realistic?
-lots of people ask for this and yet arrive at different conclusions
2) Will he really guide my heart?
-where has he been this last year and half?

And that's me being really honest. I trust him, but today it's because I know it's right.

God, you are true and righteous. Lead me in a way that is higher than myself. Help me find a sure path. Quiet my noisy heart with your love.

[end dear diary moment]

Conference Fun

Pirate Fun - David Scoggan

This picture, drawn in MS Paint, depicts the level of fun we are having at the conference this year. May I add that the talent I have on staff is inestimable. They never cease to amaze me.

The Winch Who Stole My Catholic Encyclopedias

This has been an odd and bizarre week. But finally someone has come and collected the most bizarre item we have received in bookstore history. I say this with confidence.

Here lies the story.

Yesterday we received like 30 boxes of books. The day before that we received roughly the same amount. We have been drowning in books. Really really drowning. Yesterday as Victor's bringing the last box he says with a curious look, "This box has a chain in it." Hmmm we look at him, but don't think much of it being as we are drowning in work.

A few hours later we are receiving catholic encyclopedias for a FSM order, when we open up box 2 of 2 we find, instead of catholic encyclopedias, this piece of equipment.



Hmmmm you say? Yeah I know. There were included in the box two large hydraulic shafts, two chains, and a steel hook. Early on in this discovery I declared this equipment to be a jackhammer. Upon further investigation, it is a hydraulic industrial winch. For several hours we all called it a wench, which is not the same thing, nor is it a hydraulic wrench or witch. It's a winch.

Even more interesting is that the packing slip for my encyclopedias is inside the box with the winch. Hmmmmmm.

The catholic publisher was just as confused as we were and so the winch became IHOP property and a cheery British man just carried it away.

Oddest thing we have ever received, and now that it's gone I kind of miss it. It would have made a nice bookstore pet.

Last Two Weeks in Review

Get back from Denver.

Clean the house.

Monday 17th
Step through bookstore door, simultaneously wished I had stayed home
Day explodes, get almost nothing done
Go Home and sleep

Tuesday 18thBetter day, not by much
Nearly die in heat

Wednesday 19th
Reading and studying Zechariah 14, blown away
Create pie graphs for marketing meeting

Thursday 20th
Spend all day battling with computer
Creatively name all files after Native American Tragedies
Luck with computers directly tied with names, bad idea
Miss meeting (initiated by myself) with other very busy department head
Nearly scalp myself

Friday 21st
Can't get my head out of Zechariah 14
Mathias gives in office history lesson on North Korea

Saturday 22nd
Throw party for Char and Jesse's Wedding
Leave party and see Lady in the Water (blah is how I feel about it)

Sunday 23rd
Bickle preaches out of Zechariah 14
Someone hands me $50
Unload parents moving "van" aka semi
Trick friends into helping
Fill my entire two car garage with their stuff
Many boxes labeled "Kristen's Books"
Other boxes labeled "71 Mustang Steering" "69 Mustang heater" "71 Mustang linkage"
Take my parents to Steak and Shake

Monday the 24th
Marketing Meeting, no one is excited by pie graphs
Saw Scanner Darkly, way better then Lady in the Water, but had some issues

Tuesday the 25th
Wake up with killer headache
Take Gummi Vitamins
Take Advil
Run a bunch or errands
Drank sweet tea
Met with busy department head, she's so cool
Began reading Ezekiel 38 and 39

The Grand and Infamous Jordan

Hey All. I'm in Denver this week at the International Christian Retailing Convention. Katie, Dale and I are here till Thursday. Katie and I are pictured with one of our favorite vendors, Jordan. Really great guy, him and the guys at IPG are winning some huge brownie points.

It should be said that most often people ignore us, we look like children of bookstore managers. Today we were told we didn't look old enough to be managing, and it's true, the IHOP youth movement has infiltrated all aspects of the mission base. We are quite the buying duo... out of control is probably more accurate. We've had quite a few people laughing so hard they had to stop what they were doing.

I'll just give you a few of the highlights.

-Dale going up to two random guys asking for directions. Turns out they were Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins. They let her know.

-Dale telling us the story and Katie asking, "Who are they?"

-Katie spilling bath salts all over Jordan's desk

-Katie reaching to get something out of her eye, and Jordan saying, "uugggg, looks like we have an eyeball toucher."

-Jordan then regaling us with a story about a marrage counseler who made her couples lick each other's eyeballs

- Me dramatically emphasizing how gross I thought that was (with wild hand movement)

- Katie (at my request) getting the Joel Osteen board game off the display and both of us making fun of it - one of the playing cards said "Choose to be happy."


- At one vendor we just grabbed all the books we liked from their displays and popped them down at the desk and said, "this is what we want."

-We've had pictures taken with circus performers, Indian chief, and a huge Goliath

- People have tried to sell us dolls, puppets, tracts, toys, barbies, scripture candy

So it's quite the event, I'm sure I'll have more stories later.

Road Trip America

Spent the weekend in Florida. Fabulous fun. Beach, sun, shopping, and a friend's wedding. Could it get any better?

I love the ocean, I love sinking my feet in and feeling the salty water wash over them. I love walking and clearing my mind with the sun beating down on me. One night we all went out to the beach late at night, and the ocean looked amazing, but even more amazing was the sky. It was perfectly clear and the sky stretched and fell into the sea. I could see every star and it was breath taking.

On the way back we took a different route, this route looked faster and also went by New Orleans, which I have always wanted to visit. So we took a brief break and had dinner in the French Quarter here.

It was an amazing city, really beautiful. And the food was awesome. I'll post some pictures later this week, I have to get all the film developed.

One good thing about being home: no sand in my sheets or bathtub.

Parents to the Rescue

Ahhhh... Life has been a total zoo as of late. Sorry I haven't blogged much, things have just gone from mildly busy to really busy, and spend most days just working my ways towards my bed. No complaints though, it's good.

At anyrate while doing a massive bookstore project which included the printing of thousands of labels we had printer drum drama. One label got stuck to the printer drum, and before you know it we were up a creek, as our particular drum is a "special order" item. Oh fun.

So off I went to office supply depots only to find every other drum, but mine, literally. I was about to tear out my hair, and then I remembered that somewhere deep in my genes was the ability to supply customers with inane requests almost instantly. I called my mom. She had a drum messenger-ed to me and I had it in one hour, for nearly the same price.

Here is a picture of our success.

12 years in the making

The news has been broken to all appropriate people so I can finally blog it! Last weekend my parents came down to Kansas City, and while they were here they found and bought a home. I swear it's an act of God for these two to decide on anything, much less a home and it finally happened. Here it is...




My mother has wanted to move here for like 12 years, and she was so jealous when I got to come before she did. She has ruby red slippers all over the house, she'll say longingly, "There's no place like home." Finally that will be true.

My mother loves the kitchen in this house, which is as nice as hers at home, which is a big deal. But pictured below is what has sold my Dad on the whole thing...



That's right, it has a rollbar. Never has a lawn mower been more ridiculous. But it comes with the house and the 3 1/2 acres and the pond and the hot tub. Sounds like a sweet deal for everyone.

Kansas City get ready, the rest of the Andersons (minus my stubborn little brother) are coming. This city might never be the same.

Breakfast Bonanza!

I am a creature of habit. Every morning I do exactly the same thing. I roll into the IHOP parking lot at 8:45. I park in the same row on the same side. I then head into the coffee shop and grab the same drink, tea au lait, vanilla almond, two tablespoons of honey, soy milk. There is rarely a deviation in this plan.

This morning however, the world turned itself upside down. First, I couldn't park where I normally would. The parking lot is being repaved. So I parked in Herrenhut and walked over to work.

So I'm in the coffee shop ordering my beverage, or rather nodding that I would like my usual. I'm just looking around, and I notice a sign announcing the arrival of a breakfast bagel. No joke. This morning I was the first to order and consume a Higher Grounds breakfast bagel. I had ham, cheese, and eggs! But there were so many options! The price is totally comparable to any fast food breakfast sandwich, but it wasn't greasy or heavy. In short, I feel invigorated after eating it.

Excellent work, Dennis and team. I applaud this new menu item!

Coming Out of Gray - I (heart) Augustine

I'm reading this book, "The Story of Christianity." It's big and I'm just reading the parts that interest me (the more I read, the more I find interesting). I've had some questions lately about the cannonization of the Bible and the council of Nicea. So I thought I should read some historical accounts just so that I could have a more accurate view of motivations and the "players" in these dramas.

So at any rate I'd just finished some great sections on Gnosticism and the Arian Controversy when I stumbled over a section on Augustine. I read it and enjoyed it thoroughly. He was a man well acquainted with his position before God. He understood the depth of his depravity, he knew his inadequacy. He lived as a man who knew forgiveness and the grace that is offered on the cross.

He says, "When I thought of devoting myself entirely to God...It was I that wished to do it, and I that wished not to do it. It was I. And since I neither completely wished nor completely refused, I fought against myself and tore myself to pieces."

This rings so true to me. It's something that I have been working on. Someone told me over a year ago that I was "gray". They told me I have a difficult time telling between right and wrong, they told me I saw a lot of gray areas in life.

I was a little miffed upon hearing this. I prided myself on being a good person, I always obeyed! But I found myself nodding in agreement at this observation. When push came to shove I often had difficulty in saying that there was a right and wrong. Generally not with large doctrines, but with small ones. There are a lot of reasons for this I think, primarily, I was taught to think rigorously and challenge ideas. I was told quite often to fight for the liberal position. I was often the devil's advocate, mostly because I had the ability to separate my beliefs from any position I had to argue. I spent a lot of time researching and defending positions I didn't really believe in. When the debate was over, often my teachers would ask, "Do you believe any of what you just said?" Most often I would just shrug and say, "Not a word." This is one of the things I love the most about my upbringing, but it has also left me with a lot of gray.

I lived (and continue to some extent) in a struggle, not fully wanting to embrace the "right" road. Something deep inside goes "but what about..." By doing this I found myself in conflict. I was tearing myself apart. In the last year I have made concerted efforts to flee the "gray" in my life. I have said "no" to a lot of things previously classified as "gray", in this process I have found a greater peace or calm. Mike would maybe call these "gray" things the little foxes. I'm trying to chase away the little things that steal my passion, zeal, and love. These little things can make my heart so dull. Obviously, I still struggle. But I feel more settled.

I've always liked Augustine. I mean his theology was crucial to the early church and that's great, but I like his words, his sorrow over his sin, over his life. I love that he asks questions, I love that he searched hard and he found God.

Back Office Antics

We got new hats in the bookstore to sell to the masses. We celebrated this new product with this portrait. You too can have your very own mission's base hat, just drop by your local Forerunner Bookstore.

Meditations on Cold Medicine

Right now I'm coming to you from the land of the ubber dopey. I'm having some allergy issues so I am on some drugs that make me a little loopey but have a profound affect on a cold. The following is what I am thinking about as I am drifting in and out of lucidity. Seat belts everyone.

1) There are a lot of complex problems in the world. I recently subscribed to The Economist. I thought my brain may be rotting from all the People which I was reading, so I thought I'd challenge myself to something better. It is very interesting, and it reminds me how delicate the world we live in is. We are held together by a thread. Jesus has quite the reform to start when he gets back.

2) Britney and K-fed should just stop. and so know you see I still read people. But this is appalling just appalling.

3) There will be a lot of people who said "Jesus, I love you." but really didn't know Him at all. Just watched Oprah sing gospel songs to Jesus and saw her praising God, but yet she is far from Him. I, too, must be careful, lest my heart grow cold.

4)You can train goldfish to play soccer. Wired magazine did a blip on this, but I was reading it on cold medicine so I'm not sure what the article was really about. This is yet another effort to stem the tide of deteriorating brain matter.

5) Alias is over. All hail an era.

6) Imogene Heap is play in Lawrence right now. Couldn't get tickets. Really bummed.

7) Seven is the number of perfection. Couldn't have just six things, that is the number of the beast.

That's it. I am about to slip off into a sweet but terribly confusing dream I am sure.

Night.

It is so green!

I've been taking a blog break. I've just been too crazy to try to formulate anything worth reading.

I just got back from six days of "camping" in parkville, MO. It wasn't really camping because there was running water. But that's the only kind of camping I can do. It was very green. That's what out of towners kept telling me; "It's so green."

I spent a lot of time describing IHOP. That was more fun then it sounds. It reinvigorated my heart in a surprising way. Something about sharing a vision, really reminded me of my own desires and passions which can get lost in the day to day.

It was a nice break, but it is good to be back and sleeping in a non-bunk bed (also nice... coffee shop, I was lost without my tea).

End Times Diorama of the Day

This diorama comes to us through the brilliant mind of Matthew Hartke. You'll see that in this depiction Dale is on the sea of glass with Steve Jobs. Our ardent desire is that he won't be offended when it's all coming down.

Green with Envy

I was sick on Wednesday, but I asked my co-workers to continue with our weekly staff meeting without me. I received these photos shortly after the meeting would have ended. This is their feeble attempt to make me jealous with their special drinks. It worked.

First eBay Purchase

This purse (or luggage as some might say, as it is quite large) is the first thing I have acquired from eBay, and I am totally head over heals for this bag. It is more amazing then I could have imagined, I fit everything into it. The actual horsebit handle makes the bag a little weighty, but that's my only real complaint. And I got a great deal. All I need is a venti caramel macchiato, a huge pair of sunglasses, some leggings and an over sized sweater, and you can call me Ashley or Mary Kate Olsen (I might also have to lose half of my body mass).

Tastes Change

I had a stunning (maybe not so stunning) revelation the other night. I realized that the way I see my life and where I see it going has totally changed. The things I wanted and thought I would be doing 6 years a go have little to no appeal. I thought I’d be in law school or getting a masters in history (which would have been fine and good), but I have no desire for it anymore. I’ve been thinking about this because several people have encouraged me lately to go be a lawyer. I just raise my eyebrows and shrug, it just doesn’t ring true anymore.

Things I thought I would never do or things I would’ve abhorred, I now find myself enjoying. It’s odd thinking about that version of me, that version being so far away from me now. It makes me glad that God knows me so well; he knows the true desires of my heart, not just what I say I want. He, being the one who made me, knows what will really make me happy, and he loves me so much he doesn’t give me my fleeting wishes, the good gifts he gives me last, they endure my fickle heart.

I’m addicted to my non-existent commute

Back at home I had to drive 45 minutes to work everyday and an hour back. I used to hate the drive, especially in the winter, where it could take two hours. Almost everybody commutes in and around Chicago. Those of us living the suburbs have to drive, as public transportation is a novelty (and also almost non-existent). I used to have to buy two or three CDs a week, just to keep my mind off my driving. I used to read in the car, and I’m ashamed to say I’ve even crocheted while driving.

Now I live five minutes from my job, five minutes from IHOP, five minutes from most stores, five minutes (if not five seconds) from all my friends. I have found in the last year and a half, I miss the drive. So in substitute, before and after work I often find myself passing my house or office and just driving in a neat circle (red bridge, blue river, blue ridge, grandview) sometimes when I have time or I need to think I find myself just driving in this circle, I’ll glance at my cell phone to see what time it is, only to note that several hours have gone by. My dearest friends know when to find me when I am upset; they call and ask “Do I need to drag you off blue river road?” It’s extraordinarily cathartic. It calms me down, it eases my mind and I find myself better able to handle odd situations.

One particularly hard week, I realized that I had been driving for several hours, so I went back to my apartment and grabbed a bag and decided to drive home for the weekend so at least I could say I went somewhere. On that trip in the middle of podunk Illinois I saw the aurora borealis (northern lights). It was amazing, I had to keep myself from driving off the road, and everyone on the road was driving with their head out the window. I’d stop looking for a few minutes but then I couldn’t help but keep turning my head to stare at this beautiful thing.

All that to say…

I have an addiction to aimless driving. I’m not sure how to stop. This is my confession of the day.

End Times Diorama of the Day

This diorama comes to you sponsored in part by Carrie, sponsored in other parts by the most fabulous birthday party ever.

For Dale's birthday we each created dioramas of Dale in different end-times scenarios. The results were fascinating.

Smile!

I think it odd when random strangers (always male, never in my experience, female) command you to smile.

I know it’s happened to other people. I’ll be just standing waiting in line or looking at product to purchase when a random stranger or employee will come up to me and say, “Smile, life can’t be that bad.” or “Smile, life isn’t that rough.” I recently thought about this odd behavior when one particularly stressful and sad week in my life, this strange “smile command” happened to me multiple times.

I realized this happens to me quite a bit. I attribute it to two things.

I often stand in thought, and while thinking I generally look sad or pensive. I don’t know why…

I’m not a big smiler. My face, at rest, I guess, looks sad.

Still, I’m miffed at this “smile command”. I think it’s presumptuous to interrupt someone’s train of thought to request of them a happier facial expression. First off, maybe I am sad, maybe I am having a rough day. Second off, a “smile command” isn’t actually going to change my day; it might actually make me sadder when I realize how sad I must look to others. Thirdly, I think it ill-legitimizes my feelings. It is saying surely life can’t be as sad as you look, when in a fact it very well might be. Life is very complicated. Fourthly, I am not and will not be a window dressing in people’s Mary Poppins fairy tale life. I’m sorry my sad face affects people adversely but it is real and it is me.

And how am I to respond to such requests? I normally look up mildly horrified and offer a weak, placating smile accompanied with an eye roll.

Not today, today I reclaimed my facial expressions as my own, today I responded, with a firm, “Actually, you have no idea what my day has been like.”

Here’s my application: First, I am going to try to look happier. Most of the time I am pretty content and I would want my face to show it. Second, if I really am sad, I’m not going to smile when commanded. I won’t be mean, but I think I’ll just stare blankly back.


Note: this diatribe is not against those who are truly compassionate and empathetic towards others. I appreciate comments like “rough day, huh?” or “hope your day goes better.” Or “I’m having a rough time too.” I am speaking strictly about odd instances with total strangers in which they command me to smile for them.

Bring on the Negotiator

I've decided to hold Phil hostage. There is no ransom. There is no scenario in which I will surrender him. I have no demands.

Ode to Jesse

My most fabulous assistant is moving on to greener pastures, these pastures are still owned by the bookstore, but they no longer report to me. He is the new online buyer, as Char is moving to be front store manager, and Philip is leaving entirely (he'll get his own ode, I'm just not ready).

Today was the last meeting in which Jesse took minutes. His minutes have brought laughter and tears, dare I say they have revolutionized the minute business.

Here is his goodbye as found in Minute Documentation, March 29, 2006:

Yes, yes. Everyone just hold back your tears. I know, I know. Come here, let me hold you. Hey, don't worry like that. I'll still be around. I'm not totally leaving. Besides, Alicia B. Good will be here. She's gonna do great. Now, now, don't say that. Everything's gonna be all right. I love you guys, and besides I'm just moving to the desk across the room. If you need some funny then let me know and I'll put together something extra special just for you. O.Kay, Okay, c'mon, let's get you to bed. Oh, now you don't need another glass of water. I'm just gonna be across the way. If there is anything you need just let me know. I'm extension 402 now. That's right 4..0..2. You'll remember it fine. Now don't worry, there's nothing to be afraid of. Remember last time when we took care of that monster in your closet. He can't bother you any more. And if any of his friends come around you just give me a call and well have 'em so scared none of them will ever come back. All right now, you comfy? Ok. Good night. God bless you and protect you. Sweet dreams baby. Sweet dreams.

Here lies Jesse's last minutes. May they rest in peace.

Two Girls in the World of Rock Stars

Yesterday Katie and I took one of our infrequent trips to Musicians Friend to buy music supplies for the bookstore. For the record this is one of our least favorite things to do. On our ride up and back I began to analyze why we hate doing this task.

I don't feel stupid very often. On occasion I will think "hey am I stupid?" but usually I can drum up sufficient evidence otherwise. I don't feel stupid going into auto parts stores or home depot. Thanks to my father, I am totally familiar with the layouts of both these types of stores. I also know the terms. I grew up knowing this stuff. Dual overhead cams? Yeah I know what that means. So as a girl I think I can do the "man" stores pretty well. I rarely feel stupid.

I noticed yesterday I feel stupid walking into the music store. First off I'm kind of dressed up and I'm walking into the world of very hairy, very intense musicians. We go with a list written out by one of musician cashiers. It is a totally different language; polyweb, nanoweb, gauges, polymers and don't even get me started on drum sticks; rubber tips and round tips and oval tips, ones with no tips at all, Manhattan, Phats, aliens... I mean it's total garble.

Katie and I are totally lost. As we begin to wander about the dulicmers and toms, and mandolins, and violins and bongos and cymbals, discomfort begins to overwhelm and the dreaded feeling appears, "I have no idea what I'm doing."

We look totally lost, so a very nice guy comes up and asks us if we need help. We nod vigorously and hand him the list. We ask him to double all the quantities because we don't want to come back anytime soon. While he's off gathering strings, we buy pretty much every drum stick they have and decide to just ignore all the different tips. So once again we find ourselves walking around arms full of drumsticks, getting more then one snicker from a passing rock star.

"Our guy" comes back after filling our huge order and asks, "what are you doing with this stuff?" This isn't the first time we've been asked this question. We have been mistaken for girlfriends of the "band". I'm sure we've been mistaken for roadies and fans and pretty much anything but female musicians, because, of course, we know nothing.

He hands us the box and we sigh, happy that this whole event is over. I can go back to my world, where I know things, where I understand the terms, where I can guide others into the world of contemplative authors, catholic saints, and Jewish resources. Just please don't ask me to tell you the difference between elixir super lights and elixir regular lights.

Officially Unprotected

Two nights ago I had a "come to Jesus moment".

When I moved into my house, there was an alarm system, it's a very nice sophisticated system tied into all doors, windows, and even a shed I have in my back yard. I should say that this is a very nice shed with electricity and a nice shed-like structure. I have only found it useful for storing bird seed. I'm just not a shed kind of girl.

At anyrate, first night we're in the house (Katie, Amanda, Myself) the alarm decides to randomly begin loudly beeping (not to be confused with going off which is an earsplitting siren). We all woke up and Katie and I began to randomly press buttons in hopes of turning this awful thing off. Amanda comes into the room and cutely asks "How do we turn it off?" Good question. And the answer was; that time (and many more times) I called my Dad.

So in last 9 months the alarm has randomly beeped and we have memorized the code. This beeping had gradually increased. So two nights a go after getting up several times to turn it off, I called my Father at 5AM and I told him I was going to take a bat to the entire system. After talking me off the ledge, he made a few calls and begged a lady to just tell us how to dismantle this once sophisticated, but now retarded system.

A screwdriver and several determined yanks later, the alarm died and peaceful death.
Seeing as the system was never, under my ownership, hooked up to the Police or the Fire department, I am in fact no less safe, just less annoyed. I think we can all agree that makes a safer world for everyone.

4 Things I'm Thankful For

1) British Hamsters running Endis (all hail Britannia)
2) The Fray
3) Heidi Stiegh (RMS Sensei - all hail Canada)
4) Tea Au Lait (made by Nick, Ryan, or Mesa)

Three Things I'm Thankful For

1) Loose Park (the rose garden)
2) My iPOD
3) Imogen Heap

Combine those three together and it's like happiness in a bottle.

Real Ways to Beat the Plague

A few days a go I wrote about my vitamin euphoria, it didn't work. So I went to a real doctor. Before I tell you that, I should fill in some details.

Growing up I was sick a lot. Who knows why? I just remember taking antibiotics constantly. In fact my family should be on a poster for why over medicating could cause a super virus.

My mother already had us diagnosed before we hit the reception area. She would inspect our throats with my father's mag light. We would roll our eyes and one again remind her that she didn't have a medical degree. It didn't get better as we got older. She became more insistent. She would tell the doctor before he unsheathed his stethoscope what we had and what he should prescribe, how many days and how many milligrams included. She would also ask that he check that little refill box.

"Ceftin, ten days, five hundred milligrams, don't forget the refill, just in case"

"Levaquin, seven days, five hundred milligrams, remember the refill box, just in case"

"Augmenten? Absolutely not, that gives Kristen stomach aches and she has to eat, which she refuses to do, Ceftin is what we normally get."

"Baxin? Under no circumstances, she gets a metallic taste in her mouth and it isn't that effective. How about Levaquin?"

I, now, must skip past the mansy pansy stuff and right to ceftin. I have become immune to everything else.

Sometimes she wouldn't even take us she'd simply call in to the doctor and insist a prescription without an actual visit.

My mother is a pediatrician's nightmare, or well she's a medical community nightmare.

All that to say I became so miserable and was developing intense pain in my ear. I hustled off to a good Jewish doctor at Menorah Medical center. I am now fully medicated, but still feel like I'm in an airplane making it's final approach to the landing. And don't ask me to reach for anything on the ground; the change in "altitude" makes me scream like a crazy person.

Will the Knotter please stand up?

So I bought these two mildly nice inexpensive channile blankets the other day to go with a new slipcover I got for a love seat I own. I've been on the decorating bandwagon lately.

I purchased curtains, window scarves, and all sorts of stuff to hang on the wall. I'm trying to make my place more like a home and less like a flop house. It looks really great by the way and the wallpaper removal and painting has been a huge help.

So last night I was sitting in Tyrone (the recliner) and I asked Charleen to hand me a throw to ward off the evening chill. As I spread the blanket, I noticed that on one side of the blanket the fringe was clumped together. Odd, I thought. I inspected it, and to my horror someone had gone to great lengths and had intricately knotted up all the fringe in a frenchbraid of sorts, but not a neat braid but a sort of matted dreaded disaster. I asked Charleen to look at the other throw and sure enough that one had also been knotted.

So frustrating, and at that particular moment I did not think this was funny I was aghast that this had happened. I think I actually asked Char in a pitiful voice, "Why would someone do this to me?" Obviously it had been a long day.

I began calling my friends and asking if they had gotten any boy scout badges in knotting. Needless to say no one knew what I was talking about. We spent of the rest of the evening un-knotting, so ultimately no major harm done, other then my hand sometimes curls up into this claw like cramp.

Okay, so my dear blogging community, I am entrusting this mystery to you. Can you help me find the knotter amongst us? Perhaps we will together discover the motivation behind such heinous crimes against decorating.

Will the knotter please stand up?

Ways to beat the plague

I'm slowly but surely overcoming a cold that has haunted me since onething. In the midst of sickness I have found the following things that are helping me to beat this nasty plague.

Airborne.



This stuff is brilliant it has like 1000% your daily value of everything. Start taking it the minute you feel ill or if you are going to be in a closed air environment (such as a classroom with constantly ill children).

Gummi Bear Vitamins




I'm a bad pill taker. I can swallow them just find, it's remembering to take them that's a huge problem for me. It's sort of a big deal because I suffer from bone loss... I know I'm 23. It confuses me too. At any rate these vitamins are awesome. No water necessary, and I have motivation to it, because they are so gummi. I don't know but it works for me. When I was buying them at CVS the other day the checkout woman asked if my kids enjoyed them. I smirked and told them they were for myself. She looked at me like I was an idiot.

Re - Runs of this show



It this highly entertaining show about these four guys who run this tattoo shop on Miami Beach. One of the co-owners is super good looking and Jewish and a former member of the IDF. He's perfect for me.

With the help of these things (along with nose spray and cough drops) I will be better in no time I'm sure. Until then I promise not to cough on you.

Writer's Block

I've been trying to write all night in my journal. I thought I'd just write some prose or poetry or something because I feel that bursty feeling, like there is something I'm supposed to be putting out there, but I'm just not hitting on anything.

I keep hearing one of my favorite poems. It is so well put, it makes me think if everything poetic has already been said.

Here's the one line that keeps bouncing around my cerebrum

The weight of the world
is love.
Under the burden
of solitude,
under the burden
of dissatisfaction
the weight,
the weight we carry
is love.

What I'm about to say isn't what the writer was thinking exactly (or even nearly), but he's hitting on a theme in the human heart.

The weight we carry is love. He's perfectly spoken here. There's a great meter, and a great image. I feel this weight, it lies under the burden of my everyday life, there is a weight in loving people, in wanting to love people well. There is a weight in the hearts of men to be loved and to love deeply. It is God calling out to us.

Dislocations and Vending Machines

So I’m taking a break from a class (a sort of inner healing thing) on Monday night in the Desert Stream facility (aka annex, aka old FSM building, aka first prayer room). At break I needed a serious sugar fix. So off I go to the vending machine in the hallway.

I’m staring intently at the rows of chocolate and chips, wondering which snack would bring me true joy. Amidst the rows of snack items was a booklet they handed out to us a few weeks ago; untitled “Emotional Dependency.” A picture is worth a thousand words… so here it is.


I love camera phones.

Speaking of feeling needy, I dislocated my shoulder later that night and got it back in by myself (all the while nearly puking). It wasn’t out of socket longer the 10 seconds, but it is one of the most painful things you can do to yourself. So later this week I was walking around with it in a sling, which is just embarrassing, because you have to explain all day long how it happened, what it feels like, and how desperate and needy you are. It just made me feel pitiful: pitiful and nauseous, because after explaining several times I began to feel really sick.

So home I went to sleep for awhile and then dearest Rachel and I went out and did some retail therapy at Nebraska Furniture Mart, which is like a small country and should have a flag and national anthem of their own. But I bought real adult furniture, so check, I’m becoming old. I felt old, walking around with a stupid injury checking out wood grains and micro fibers, end tables, a lamp styles. Our salesman talked this whole time about his lifelong struggle with his belief in Jesus Christ.

Odd, I’m finding life to be very odd these days.

A new holiday

Charleen has just declared today to be International After Midnight Day. We have this rule around here that anything said after midnight cannot be held against you or ever mentioned at anytime of the day before midnight. It's sort of a catch all.

So today it's like it's after midnight all day long, nothing said today can be held against you, at least around here, but you have to take what you can get. As soon as I got Char's email I called her and told her something I wasn't going to tell her, because I didn't want to be judged. I feel so much more free now.

So be gentle today, but speak your mind, be honest with people, love each other extravagantly.

Tomorrow we can go back to our restrained selves. Today let's live with our hearts on our sleeves.

Fasting Fun

It's fasting day here in Kansas City, and for all you die hard fasters I just wanted to plug a new place I found(It's on 135th into the Kansas side). Robeks. I've been going there because I have a nasty cold (or as some call it - the onething plague - thank you Kathy). They serve these delicious smoothies and inject them with all sorts of nutritional non-sense.

But more importantly they taste great, and they make me feel great, and I feel no guilt, I feel only the genuine satisfaction of feeding my body something it is probably craving, such as vitamins.

Fast on...

Sickle and Scythe

I’ve been having a discussion with my roommates recently about the idea that we reap what we sow. I say “idea” like I heard this on Oprah. Galatians 6:7 says, “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.”

It makes me think of how I have mistreated people, and how people have in turn mistreated me. We all have had that moment of realization in the midst of being mistreated, “oh crap, I’ve done this to someone else.”

We get back what we put out their. If we are sowing into anger and bitterness, that’s what we get back. We give birth to the type of people we have become. We ultimately bear fruit of the type of tree we are (for the record if I could be a fruit tree I’d bear pomegranates).

Galatians goes on to say that we should be good to all people, for in time we will all reap a harvest.

This has been bouncing in my head all morning… there by I’m deeming it thought of the day.

We reap what we sow.

I've created a monster

My parents are pretty cool people. In my life my friends have gradually all become friends with my parents, some of them have come to realize that in fact my parents are cooler than me. They came over just to hang out with my parents. I've come to terms with the fact I have mildly cool parents. It's mostly about their past and the drugs and the rock and roll. I've grown to appreciate these things. Some of them, such as the music, have become a part of my life. Other things, such as the drugs, never really caught on with me, if anything doing drugs wasn't cool, cause hey my parents used to do them.

Okay so anyway, for Christmas we gave my dad an iPOD, which is a great gift for his music album loving self.

I first became concerned when my mother told me that she found his brand new iPod headphones in my Dad's morning coffee. Disturbing by itself, I realize, but next my mother poses this question to my brother (the tech head) "is this some new way to charge something?" She wasn't kidding. She's just crazy sometimes. My brother nearly peed his pants he laughed so hard.

My second concern was when I called my father up and asked how it was going his reply was "I'm iPODing it." Hmmmmmm. Wow.

Third concern, whenever we are trying to tell my dad he is too old for something he claims with great pride, "I have an iPOD."

Fourth concern, call my parents on Valentine's day, my mother screeches, "You father gave me a nano?" She said nano like a question because she wasn't sure how to pronounce it. Oh goodie.

And now when I call my parents my dad says, "We're iPODing it."

I (heart) Julian and Trinity

Today was a great day, not just because I handed Hello Kitty valentines to everyone in the office, although that was great. It wasn't the fact that I ate D'Bronx pizza for lunch although that was really great too.

But I babysat for the cutest kids ever tonight. I've had them in my two year old class for the last year (yes that's right their twins). I never really babysat when I was younger, I just wasn't really into it. But ever since Katie got me started teaching the two-year old class, I just can't wait to be with these kids every week. I was so excited when they asked me to watch their kids, I was probably a bit enthusiastic.

It was a really good way to spend Valentine's Day, I really do love these kids, all of my kids, not just Trinity and Julian.

So Happy Valentine's Day all, I hope everyone spent it with people they love.

HEADLIGHTS!!!

Last weekend I went on a spontaneous road trip to St Louis. I was sitting in the Prayer Room last Friday minding my own business when Matthias and James (Jesse's brother - Jesse is my administrative assistant and fiancee to my roommate Char, who also works with me)came prancing down the aisle, as they came back up the aisle James petted my head and Matthias leaned down and asked me if I wanted to go to St Louis.

I instinctively said, "uh no." But then I thought, what am I doing in the next 18 hours? Why couldn't I go? I couldn't think of any reasonable excuse. So I quickly changed my mind and an hour later (12AM) we were headed to St Louis. James and I were the primary drivers on the trip, as Amanda had class the next day and Matthias swears he will never ever drive in his lifetime (we did teach him how to pump gas at the 7eleven).

Upon arriving in St Louis we snuck in James' house like the true ninjas we are (in reality I giggled the whole time because I'm bad at sneaking things, my automatic fear response is laughter, I can't help it) to surprise James' brother John B. Amanda had the video camera all ready, she turned to his bed with the green night vision light only to discover John B was on a church retreat. That was much ado about nothing. We snuck back out of the house without ever being noticed. From here we went on to pick up James' girlfriend, and then on to the arch.

It is at this point at about 4:30 AM we become a bit lost trying to find a parking spot, somehow we ended up on a highway heading into Illinois (all hail). We flipped a U-turn and James comes to screeching halt and runs out of the car and lays himself flat on the pavement right on the white dotted line, we all laugh and proceed to follow him. Just as my head lays down, James yells headlights and we all scream and jump up and soar back to car, I screamed twice more in the car just for dramatic effect.

There was no parking anywhere near the arch at 4:30 in the morning, so in yet another daring move, James parks the car right in the middle of the street right next the Arch. So out we run up a very steep hill and to the arch, where once again we lay flat on the ground staring up at the arch. It was way cooler then I thought it was going to be. It sort of shimmered in the spotlights and it was huge.

We had only a few minutes as we were illegally parked, so we ran back to the car climbed in and set off to find a steak and shake.

Two steak and shakes later we were back on the road by 7AM, it was at this point that the two boys bet me that I couldn't stay awake the whole ride back. I bet them I could and that neither one of them would make it. They were bold in their trash talk. But what they didn't know is that I have been on roadtrips with both of their brothers. Experience has taught me that neither the brysons nor the wells' do very well on low sleep in cars.

So about 15 minutes in Matthias dropped out and slept the whole way with his mouth open. Two and half hours in James pulled his cap over his eyes and drifted off. Admittedly I was starting to drop off, so in went the Killers and down went the windows and we made it back without incident; I, obviously, winning over the two boys who clearly needed their beauty rest.

Just around the corner

I've had a rough week. Work has been crazy and it's conference week. It seems this week every step forward comes just before four steps back. It's a bit discouraging.

But here's the weird thing, I've had this sense something good is about to happen to me; like something is just around the corner.

It also makes me think that the Lord has really blessed me in the last two or three weeks, he has really given me a peace about all the difficult things that have come my way. I mean sure, I'm still a basket case, but there are days like this last Monday, when he just swoops in and kisses me.

It's hard to describe without going into a dear diary moment, which I'll spare you. I don't know, maybe God is blessing me with my freedom. Freedom from the fear of what people think, freedom from my own expectations, freedom from lies I have told myself my whole life.

Maybe this is a gift for really facing my stuff, for really digging deep these last seven months. Maybe this isn't even a gift, maybe it's just a part of the continual goodness of God in my life.

Alright I've got to sign off, Annyoung is playing with the turkey baster again.

Matthias, what a lovely mullet you have!

Halftime show gone awry

I’ll admit, I watched .00001% of the superbowl. I’m redoing parts of my house and I was in the midst of tearing down vinyl wallpaper. I hate wallpaper, but more then I hate wallpaper I hate wallpaper paste. The chemicals you have to use are caustic and they drip everywhere, and Annyoung apparently thinks they are delicious.

So at any rate, I turned my head long enough to catch the halftime show, with a 60 year old man prancing about a gigantic tongue; his arm skin flapping in the wind whilst his boney hips bounced around in skin tight pants. Vulgar doesn’t even begin to describe what occurred.

I really think the Rolling Stones need to be banned. They had they’re day in the sun, they played some good music, I like a handful of songs. But they’ve gone too far. They are no longer what they used to be, they are sad wrinkled version of what they once were. Maybe that’s what depresses me, It just makes me sad seeing them play the same songs they’ve played for a trillion decades. What would it be like to be known forever for something you did 40 years a go when you were so strung out you can’t even really remember how it happened? I’m sorry, but that’s sad.

Maybe I never really liked them that much to begin with, maybe that’s why this seems particularly vulgar.

I’m calling for an end, let’s ban together and buy a greatest hits album and shut the door on this fascination with this old rock star

Psalms and vacations ideas

I've been reading through the Psalms lately. It's the Bible's version of comfort food. It's like biscuits and gravy with a chai from Broadway cafe. At any rate, I've noticed there is an occasional description of God and water that thunders.

The voice of the LORD is over the waters;
the God of glory thunders,
the LORD thunders over the mighty waters.
The voice of the LORD is powerful;
the voice of the LORD is majestic. (Ps 29:3-4)

The seas have lifted up, O LORD,
the seas have lifted up their voice;
the seas have lifted up their pounding waves.
Mightier than the thunder of the great waters,
mightier than the breakers of the seas
the LORD on high is mighty. (Ps 93:3-4)

Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot wash it away.
If one were to give
all the wealth of his house for love,
it would be utterly scorned. (SOS 8:7)
I realize not a Psalm, but amazing...

A few years ago my friend Erin and I went on a road trip to Toronto. One of the best trips I've ever taken. On the way up to Toronto we decided to spend a night on the Canadian side of Niagara Falls (which if I can put in my two cents is a much more fulfilling experience then the American side - but maybe it was the Mounties). I'm so glad we decided to stay there. It was so amazing.

I was in charge of the accommodations for the trip and I randomly picked some hotel where we got a sweet deal (we went in late October). When we arrived we discovered we had a pretty nice hotel (pictured above), and they upgraded our hotel room, I think because Erin looked cute in her matching mittens and scarf. I believe the room number was 1701, we swore we would remember so we could come back. There was a fire place in the room, and the entire north wall of the hotel room was plate glass, floor to ceiling. We got in and just smiled smugly and then I asked her quizzically "what is that noise?" She looked at me and tilted her head, and said "wow that's loud." We both turned to look at the giant window; it was the roar of water. For the next twenty minutes we just stared out that window.

We went out that night and got a closer look (they light the falls at night). It was the single most awesome natural thing I have ever seen. That night we went to sleep on the best bed of slept on to this day, we fell asleep to this roar. I'll admit a tear slid down my face thinking about how big God was.

I am nothing in comparision to him. Psalm 8:4 poses a similar idea "What is man that you are mindful of him?" I think a lot of people ask this when they see this amazing sight. Maybe not quite like David did, but I'm sure they wonder what this life is really all about. Why are they breathing air? Why are they doing so many crazy and busy things when there are things like this all over the earth? It all most makes our everyday lives seem insignificant. But just beyond all those questions, just beyond those thoughts is the truth... we are beloved of God. Niagara Falls is saying "Look how big I am, God is bigger, and he loves you and and is in violent pursuit of you."


We woke up the next morning and Erin pointed out some of the above verses as we bundled up to go take pictures. I nodded and imagined the day I would hear the roar of Lion of Judah.

His love cannot be quenched by many waters; his love is a fire so big that Niagara has nothing on it. What would my life look like if I understood this reality? How would I live differently if I could better understand the scope of this love? Lately I've been sitting in the prayer room just meditating on his feelings towards me, I feel myself softening. I also find myself feeling the heart of God for other people. This is the most peculiar thing, it has happened at the strangest moments and I have felt this burden about seemingly random people.

Makes me wonder if God shows his love to us in waves, it washes over the hearts of his people in these unexpected moments. These waves never end, day after day, before the world began and long after the cries of the martyers is satisfied, these waves will flow over us. Maybe in the Millenial Kingdom I can get Jesus to meet me at Niagara falls and we can just stare into that huge cave of water and marvel at the Father's love.

Set me as a seal on your heart God, for love is as strong as death, it's flames of fire so big that many waters cannot quench it.

Happy Birthday Dale

Dale is by far one of the best people I have worked with ever. That's saying something. I work with a lot of great people. Today is her birthday, today is a great day to list the top ten things I love about Dale...

10. Dale is long suffering (with everyone)

9. Dale has great boundaries

8. Dale is painfully, hilariously, and necessarily honest

7. Dale is a MAC momma

6. Dale shines with wisdom and clarity

5. Dale is kinder than she has to be

4. Dale is able to do anything

3. Dale is a multi-tasking mastermind

2. Dale is easily adaptable

1. (drumroll please) Dale loves people and Jesus well

Proverb of the Day - a la Philip Weiler

I love Philip, he is an essential part of my work everyday, he makes me sane.

Here is just a touch of his unending wisdom.


Do not under any circumstance or fear of death open the candy ball machine in front of more then four kids.

I see a red door...

I don’t know what to write today, I feel random and tired and weird. I think it’s the weather. It is beautiful outside and the air smells like spring and baby chickens and tulips and stuff. I’m not in the mood for it. I hate winter as much as the next mid-westerner, but this spring has come too soon. I’m not ready, this is me stomping my foot in protest.

I’m sitting here wondering if this is a metaphor for my life, and I don’t want to think about that so I’m going to move on.

Maybe I didn’t get enough sleep last night, my outlook is dreary.

For all those who been sufficiently confused or depressed by this entry log on here…

It’ll be good to laugh.

Ode to David

Cosmic bowling was a huge success, my brother is a rockstar. Even when we were kids he had the Midas touch. Anything he picks up turns to gold; bowling balls, tennis rackets, and pool cues. The kid is amazing.

On the way to his birthday brouhaha, the kid held court on conversations ranging from compression and cam shaft configurations (which for the record I was able to chime in on and make several notable points) and algorithms for calculating the day Easter will fall on each year.

I'm so proud of my baby brother. He is incredibly smart and profoundly well rounded. He loves sports, computers, cars. And he's not a nerd about any of those things. He's a very understated individual, he doesn't flaunt his stuff, you'd never know this kid was a boy genius (especially not with the medicine ball sized hole in the butt of his jeans).

Happy Birthday, David. May the next year be richer then you could imagine.

I love being home...

So just to update you... I have slept and ate, and slept and ate. I saw by cousin's baby... aww she's cute. I ate lunch with my grandmother, she's cute too. We are going bowling tonight with the fam. Should be very exciting. Then I'll probably eat and sleep. I went to the Prayer Furnace in Chicago, saw one of my dearest friends in the whole world, James, who has a wife and baby of his own. I saw a lot of other people I haven't seen in awhile. It's great to see the House of Prayer in the City doing so well. I love Marvin and Sally and their family. They are such a blessing to the city.

Alright so off I am to cosmic bowl...

At last...

I'm here in my great homeland. Sigh, deeper sigh. Upon departing the airplane there is an immediate vibe, Chicago just feels different. I have to say it... it's the great north! I almost kissed the ground. I swear you can smell pizza right off the plane.

There is also a certain speed I forget about. Everything is faster, I'm sure, not noticeable to most, but there is a difference. Maybe it's the moving walkways, but I think it's the attitude. I love it. It fits me. There is no talking or looking at strangers, everyone is focused and moving towards a goal.

Everyone is so serious, which I noticed as I walked by a mirrored wall, I looked like I was attending a funeral, so did everyone else. Mentally, I smiled. I like my blank face, it requires very little energy.

All the while I'm listening to Keith Urban's new album. It was an interesting juxtaposition. If I only had a sweet tea, I would could have been a cultural ambassador, bringing back treasures from the ancient world.

When I arrived home, I was showered in office supply samples (gifts befitting my ambassador status). This only makes sense if you know my family. I have already managed to gather two large sacks of retractable highlighters permanent markers, computer screen wipes, various types of adhesive, an anti-microbial mouse pad and one glass post-it note dispenser. Did I mention a set of neon binder indexes?

Life can't get much better.

I'm Being Attacked

I kid you not, whenever I try to leave town, all hell breaks lose. Work has been slow lately in the post onething world, and then all of a sudden today I had 1000 bricks dropped directly on my head.

I had two meetings scheduled, another two or three popped up from nowhere, in between all that I was generating a mad amount of invoices, each of them consuming large amounts of time and brain cells normally dedicated to keeping my brain cool and collected. I overheated on several occasions and actually shouted in the hallway that I hated my life, which of course resulted in several more spontaneous meetings from my hallway neighbors.

Thankfully I have been able to fast most of the day, if you don't count advil and redvines.

And the day has barely begun. I have packing, chores, and regular "wrap up my crap" stuff that has to get done.

But I'm so excited for a little R&R, it my brother's 21st birthday, and I'm coming home to love and annoy him in a way only a big sister could. Also slated on this trip, eating my mother's homemade baked mostaccioli (yes I had to look that up). My mouth waters just thinking about it. I know there are some other delectable dishes on the menu. Yum.

So I think I have just wrapped up my last call at work, so now off to the homestead where more fun is, I'm sure, just around the riverbend.

Annyoung

Annyoung
Originally uploaded by tavila1017.

I love my cat. I'm not some weird cat lady, I promise. The plain truth of the matter is that Annyoung is a very cool cat. Named from a character is a very cool show, Arrested Development. So good start there.

Second, he's a ninja. From the moment I brought him home he was doing this ninja kick that shocked and awed all my roomates. He also has a roll twist maneuver to avoid any swats from his pissy sister Tulip.

He loves small places. He loves them, when I wake up in the morning he jumps on my bead and stalks my face, purring so loudly he is hardly stealth. He then procedes to shove he face into one of my nostrils or directly against my lips. One time for fun my old roomate and dearest friend opened her mouth and he stuck his whole head inside. He also likes boxes, plastic bags, and bowls. He'll curl up and sleep in them for hours.

He's an intense little beast, but he's my baby and I love him to death!

I’m Working On Me… (and it’s rough like HK)

Lately I’ve been working on me. This is not so pretty. In fact it’s rough. I’ve been looking at my life, looking for patterns. I’m looking for reasons for my poor decisions or my equally poor reactions. Some of this is just, well; it’s just what it is: bad calls. But I keep making them, somewhat surprised every time at the outcome.

This decisions and feelings have made me think, "I don’t know myself that well." Even more interesting, the "me" I know, doesn’t line up with reality. Basically I’m saying; who I think I am has slowly but radically become a different person from who I really am.

Don’t worry; I think this story has a better ending then Primal Fear. But the point is the same; am I really being honest in how I live? Can I be, when I’m so unfamiliar with the real me?
Hence the title I’m Working on Me. I’m stumbling back to this true self. I wandering back to my beginnings and trying to straighten the crooked. I’m bringing Jesus back with me. He’s helping to correct these misadventures, these lies I have told myself for years. He’s whispering softly to me about a child he made in a womb about 23 years ago. He’s telling me who she was made to be.

These are things I haven’t thought about in awhile… who has God made me to be? It’s a question that is really obvious, I just haven’t asked in awhile. I’m not sure if the question hurt my heart, because I’m unsure sometimes if I’m living on this path. Am I becoming the person God has made me to be?

So that’s a lot. Not sure you wanted to know all that. Ha. (insert nervous laughter)…