Bring on the Negotiator

I've decided to hold Phil hostage. There is no ransom. There is no scenario in which I will surrender him. I have no demands.

Ode to Jesse

My most fabulous assistant is moving on to greener pastures, these pastures are still owned by the bookstore, but they no longer report to me. He is the new online buyer, as Char is moving to be front store manager, and Philip is leaving entirely (he'll get his own ode, I'm just not ready).

Today was the last meeting in which Jesse took minutes. His minutes have brought laughter and tears, dare I say they have revolutionized the minute business.

Here is his goodbye as found in Minute Documentation, March 29, 2006:

Yes, yes. Everyone just hold back your tears. I know, I know. Come here, let me hold you. Hey, don't worry like that. I'll still be around. I'm not totally leaving. Besides, Alicia B. Good will be here. She's gonna do great. Now, now, don't say that. Everything's gonna be all right. I love you guys, and besides I'm just moving to the desk across the room. If you need some funny then let me know and I'll put together something extra special just for you. O.Kay, Okay, c'mon, let's get you to bed. Oh, now you don't need another glass of water. I'm just gonna be across the way. If there is anything you need just let me know. I'm extension 402 now. That's right 4..0..2. You'll remember it fine. Now don't worry, there's nothing to be afraid of. Remember last time when we took care of that monster in your closet. He can't bother you any more. And if any of his friends come around you just give me a call and well have 'em so scared none of them will ever come back. All right now, you comfy? Ok. Good night. God bless you and protect you. Sweet dreams baby. Sweet dreams.

Here lies Jesse's last minutes. May they rest in peace.

Two Girls in the World of Rock Stars

Yesterday Katie and I took one of our infrequent trips to Musicians Friend to buy music supplies for the bookstore. For the record this is one of our least favorite things to do. On our ride up and back I began to analyze why we hate doing this task.

I don't feel stupid very often. On occasion I will think "hey am I stupid?" but usually I can drum up sufficient evidence otherwise. I don't feel stupid going into auto parts stores or home depot. Thanks to my father, I am totally familiar with the layouts of both these types of stores. I also know the terms. I grew up knowing this stuff. Dual overhead cams? Yeah I know what that means. So as a girl I think I can do the "man" stores pretty well. I rarely feel stupid.

I noticed yesterday I feel stupid walking into the music store. First off I'm kind of dressed up and I'm walking into the world of very hairy, very intense musicians. We go with a list written out by one of musician cashiers. It is a totally different language; polyweb, nanoweb, gauges, polymers and don't even get me started on drum sticks; rubber tips and round tips and oval tips, ones with no tips at all, Manhattan, Phats, aliens... I mean it's total garble.

Katie and I are totally lost. As we begin to wander about the dulicmers and toms, and mandolins, and violins and bongos and cymbals, discomfort begins to overwhelm and the dreaded feeling appears, "I have no idea what I'm doing."

We look totally lost, so a very nice guy comes up and asks us if we need help. We nod vigorously and hand him the list. We ask him to double all the quantities because we don't want to come back anytime soon. While he's off gathering strings, we buy pretty much every drum stick they have and decide to just ignore all the different tips. So once again we find ourselves walking around arms full of drumsticks, getting more then one snicker from a passing rock star.

"Our guy" comes back after filling our huge order and asks, "what are you doing with this stuff?" This isn't the first time we've been asked this question. We have been mistaken for girlfriends of the "band". I'm sure we've been mistaken for roadies and fans and pretty much anything but female musicians, because, of course, we know nothing.

He hands us the box and we sigh, happy that this whole event is over. I can go back to my world, where I know things, where I understand the terms, where I can guide others into the world of contemplative authors, catholic saints, and Jewish resources. Just please don't ask me to tell you the difference between elixir super lights and elixir regular lights.

Officially Unprotected

Two nights ago I had a "come to Jesus moment".

When I moved into my house, there was an alarm system, it's a very nice sophisticated system tied into all doors, windows, and even a shed I have in my back yard. I should say that this is a very nice shed with electricity and a nice shed-like structure. I have only found it useful for storing bird seed. I'm just not a shed kind of girl.

At anyrate, first night we're in the house (Katie, Amanda, Myself) the alarm decides to randomly begin loudly beeping (not to be confused with going off which is an earsplitting siren). We all woke up and Katie and I began to randomly press buttons in hopes of turning this awful thing off. Amanda comes into the room and cutely asks "How do we turn it off?" Good question. And the answer was; that time (and many more times) I called my Dad.

So in last 9 months the alarm has randomly beeped and we have memorized the code. This beeping had gradually increased. So two nights a go after getting up several times to turn it off, I called my Father at 5AM and I told him I was going to take a bat to the entire system. After talking me off the ledge, he made a few calls and begged a lady to just tell us how to dismantle this once sophisticated, but now retarded system.

A screwdriver and several determined yanks later, the alarm died and peaceful death.
Seeing as the system was never, under my ownership, hooked up to the Police or the Fire department, I am in fact no less safe, just less annoyed. I think we can all agree that makes a safer world for everyone.

4 Things I'm Thankful For

1) British Hamsters running Endis (all hail Britannia)
2) The Fray
3) Heidi Stiegh (RMS Sensei - all hail Canada)
4) Tea Au Lait (made by Nick, Ryan, or Mesa)

Three Things I'm Thankful For

1) Loose Park (the rose garden)
2) My iPOD
3) Imogen Heap

Combine those three together and it's like happiness in a bottle.

Real Ways to Beat the Plague

A few days a go I wrote about my vitamin euphoria, it didn't work. So I went to a real doctor. Before I tell you that, I should fill in some details.

Growing up I was sick a lot. Who knows why? I just remember taking antibiotics constantly. In fact my family should be on a poster for why over medicating could cause a super virus.

My mother already had us diagnosed before we hit the reception area. She would inspect our throats with my father's mag light. We would roll our eyes and one again remind her that she didn't have a medical degree. It didn't get better as we got older. She became more insistent. She would tell the doctor before he unsheathed his stethoscope what we had and what he should prescribe, how many days and how many milligrams included. She would also ask that he check that little refill box.

"Ceftin, ten days, five hundred milligrams, don't forget the refill, just in case"

"Levaquin, seven days, five hundred milligrams, remember the refill box, just in case"

"Augmenten? Absolutely not, that gives Kristen stomach aches and she has to eat, which she refuses to do, Ceftin is what we normally get."

"Baxin? Under no circumstances, she gets a metallic taste in her mouth and it isn't that effective. How about Levaquin?"

I, now, must skip past the mansy pansy stuff and right to ceftin. I have become immune to everything else.

Sometimes she wouldn't even take us she'd simply call in to the doctor and insist a prescription without an actual visit.

My mother is a pediatrician's nightmare, or well she's a medical community nightmare.

All that to say I became so miserable and was developing intense pain in my ear. I hustled off to a good Jewish doctor at Menorah Medical center. I am now fully medicated, but still feel like I'm in an airplane making it's final approach to the landing. And don't ask me to reach for anything on the ground; the change in "altitude" makes me scream like a crazy person.

Will the Knotter please stand up?

So I bought these two mildly nice inexpensive channile blankets the other day to go with a new slipcover I got for a love seat I own. I've been on the decorating bandwagon lately.

I purchased curtains, window scarves, and all sorts of stuff to hang on the wall. I'm trying to make my place more like a home and less like a flop house. It looks really great by the way and the wallpaper removal and painting has been a huge help.

So last night I was sitting in Tyrone (the recliner) and I asked Charleen to hand me a throw to ward off the evening chill. As I spread the blanket, I noticed that on one side of the blanket the fringe was clumped together. Odd, I thought. I inspected it, and to my horror someone had gone to great lengths and had intricately knotted up all the fringe in a frenchbraid of sorts, but not a neat braid but a sort of matted dreaded disaster. I asked Charleen to look at the other throw and sure enough that one had also been knotted.

So frustrating, and at that particular moment I did not think this was funny I was aghast that this had happened. I think I actually asked Char in a pitiful voice, "Why would someone do this to me?" Obviously it had been a long day.

I began calling my friends and asking if they had gotten any boy scout badges in knotting. Needless to say no one knew what I was talking about. We spent of the rest of the evening un-knotting, so ultimately no major harm done, other then my hand sometimes curls up into this claw like cramp.

Okay, so my dear blogging community, I am entrusting this mystery to you. Can you help me find the knotter amongst us? Perhaps we will together discover the motivation behind such heinous crimes against decorating.

Will the knotter please stand up?

Ways to beat the plague

I'm slowly but surely overcoming a cold that has haunted me since onething. In the midst of sickness I have found the following things that are helping me to beat this nasty plague.

Airborne.



This stuff is brilliant it has like 1000% your daily value of everything. Start taking it the minute you feel ill or if you are going to be in a closed air environment (such as a classroom with constantly ill children).

Gummi Bear Vitamins




I'm a bad pill taker. I can swallow them just find, it's remembering to take them that's a huge problem for me. It's sort of a big deal because I suffer from bone loss... I know I'm 23. It confuses me too. At any rate these vitamins are awesome. No water necessary, and I have motivation to it, because they are so gummi. I don't know but it works for me. When I was buying them at CVS the other day the checkout woman asked if my kids enjoyed them. I smirked and told them they were for myself. She looked at me like I was an idiot.

Re - Runs of this show



It this highly entertaining show about these four guys who run this tattoo shop on Miami Beach. One of the co-owners is super good looking and Jewish and a former member of the IDF. He's perfect for me.

With the help of these things (along with nose spray and cough drops) I will be better in no time I'm sure. Until then I promise not to cough on you.