Coming Out of Gray - I (heart) Augustine

I'm reading this book, "The Story of Christianity." It's big and I'm just reading the parts that interest me (the more I read, the more I find interesting). I've had some questions lately about the cannonization of the Bible and the council of Nicea. So I thought I should read some historical accounts just so that I could have a more accurate view of motivations and the "players" in these dramas.

So at any rate I'd just finished some great sections on Gnosticism and the Arian Controversy when I stumbled over a section on Augustine. I read it and enjoyed it thoroughly. He was a man well acquainted with his position before God. He understood the depth of his depravity, he knew his inadequacy. He lived as a man who knew forgiveness and the grace that is offered on the cross.

He says, "When I thought of devoting myself entirely to God...It was I that wished to do it, and I that wished not to do it. It was I. And since I neither completely wished nor completely refused, I fought against myself and tore myself to pieces."

This rings so true to me. It's something that I have been working on. Someone told me over a year ago that I was "gray". They told me I have a difficult time telling between right and wrong, they told me I saw a lot of gray areas in life.

I was a little miffed upon hearing this. I prided myself on being a good person, I always obeyed! But I found myself nodding in agreement at this observation. When push came to shove I often had difficulty in saying that there was a right and wrong. Generally not with large doctrines, but with small ones. There are a lot of reasons for this I think, primarily, I was taught to think rigorously and challenge ideas. I was told quite often to fight for the liberal position. I was often the devil's advocate, mostly because I had the ability to separate my beliefs from any position I had to argue. I spent a lot of time researching and defending positions I didn't really believe in. When the debate was over, often my teachers would ask, "Do you believe any of what you just said?" Most often I would just shrug and say, "Not a word." This is one of the things I love the most about my upbringing, but it has also left me with a lot of gray.

I lived (and continue to some extent) in a struggle, not fully wanting to embrace the "right" road. Something deep inside goes "but what about..." By doing this I found myself in conflict. I was tearing myself apart. In the last year I have made concerted efforts to flee the "gray" in my life. I have said "no" to a lot of things previously classified as "gray", in this process I have found a greater peace or calm. Mike would maybe call these "gray" things the little foxes. I'm trying to chase away the little things that steal my passion, zeal, and love. These little things can make my heart so dull. Obviously, I still struggle. But I feel more settled.

I've always liked Augustine. I mean his theology was crucial to the early church and that's great, but I like his words, his sorrow over his sin, over his life. I love that he asks questions, I love that he searched hard and he found God.