Writer's Block

I've been trying to write all night in my journal. I thought I'd just write some prose or poetry or something because I feel that bursty feeling, like there is something I'm supposed to be putting out there, but I'm just not hitting on anything.

I keep hearing one of my favorite poems. It is so well put, it makes me think if everything poetic has already been said.

Here's the one line that keeps bouncing around my cerebrum

The weight of the world
is love.
Under the burden
of solitude,
under the burden
of dissatisfaction
the weight,
the weight we carry
is love.

What I'm about to say isn't what the writer was thinking exactly (or even nearly), but he's hitting on a theme in the human heart.

The weight we carry is love. He's perfectly spoken here. There's a great meter, and a great image. I feel this weight, it lies under the burden of my everyday life, there is a weight in loving people, in wanting to love people well. There is a weight in the hearts of men to be loved and to love deeply. It is God calling out to us.

Dislocations and Vending Machines

So I’m taking a break from a class (a sort of inner healing thing) on Monday night in the Desert Stream facility (aka annex, aka old FSM building, aka first prayer room). At break I needed a serious sugar fix. So off I go to the vending machine in the hallway.

I’m staring intently at the rows of chocolate and chips, wondering which snack would bring me true joy. Amidst the rows of snack items was a booklet they handed out to us a few weeks ago; untitled “Emotional Dependency.” A picture is worth a thousand words… so here it is.


I love camera phones.

Speaking of feeling needy, I dislocated my shoulder later that night and got it back in by myself (all the while nearly puking). It wasn’t out of socket longer the 10 seconds, but it is one of the most painful things you can do to yourself. So later this week I was walking around with it in a sling, which is just embarrassing, because you have to explain all day long how it happened, what it feels like, and how desperate and needy you are. It just made me feel pitiful: pitiful and nauseous, because after explaining several times I began to feel really sick.

So home I went to sleep for awhile and then dearest Rachel and I went out and did some retail therapy at Nebraska Furniture Mart, which is like a small country and should have a flag and national anthem of their own. But I bought real adult furniture, so check, I’m becoming old. I felt old, walking around with a stupid injury checking out wood grains and micro fibers, end tables, a lamp styles. Our salesman talked this whole time about his lifelong struggle with his belief in Jesus Christ.

Odd, I’m finding life to be very odd these days.

A new holiday

Charleen has just declared today to be International After Midnight Day. We have this rule around here that anything said after midnight cannot be held against you or ever mentioned at anytime of the day before midnight. It's sort of a catch all.

So today it's like it's after midnight all day long, nothing said today can be held against you, at least around here, but you have to take what you can get. As soon as I got Char's email I called her and told her something I wasn't going to tell her, because I didn't want to be judged. I feel so much more free now.

So be gentle today, but speak your mind, be honest with people, love each other extravagantly.

Tomorrow we can go back to our restrained selves. Today let's live with our hearts on our sleeves.

Fasting Fun

It's fasting day here in Kansas City, and for all you die hard fasters I just wanted to plug a new place I found(It's on 135th into the Kansas side). Robeks. I've been going there because I have a nasty cold (or as some call it - the onething plague - thank you Kathy). They serve these delicious smoothies and inject them with all sorts of nutritional non-sense.

But more importantly they taste great, and they make me feel great, and I feel no guilt, I feel only the genuine satisfaction of feeding my body something it is probably craving, such as vitamins.

Fast on...

Sickle and Scythe

I’ve been having a discussion with my roommates recently about the idea that we reap what we sow. I say “idea” like I heard this on Oprah. Galatians 6:7 says, “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.”

It makes me think of how I have mistreated people, and how people have in turn mistreated me. We all have had that moment of realization in the midst of being mistreated, “oh crap, I’ve done this to someone else.”

We get back what we put out their. If we are sowing into anger and bitterness, that’s what we get back. We give birth to the type of people we have become. We ultimately bear fruit of the type of tree we are (for the record if I could be a fruit tree I’d bear pomegranates).

Galatians goes on to say that we should be good to all people, for in time we will all reap a harvest.

This has been bouncing in my head all morning… there by I’m deeming it thought of the day.

We reap what we sow.

I've created a monster

My parents are pretty cool people. In my life my friends have gradually all become friends with my parents, some of them have come to realize that in fact my parents are cooler than me. They came over just to hang out with my parents. I've come to terms with the fact I have mildly cool parents. It's mostly about their past and the drugs and the rock and roll. I've grown to appreciate these things. Some of them, such as the music, have become a part of my life. Other things, such as the drugs, never really caught on with me, if anything doing drugs wasn't cool, cause hey my parents used to do them.

Okay so anyway, for Christmas we gave my dad an iPOD, which is a great gift for his music album loving self.

I first became concerned when my mother told me that she found his brand new iPod headphones in my Dad's morning coffee. Disturbing by itself, I realize, but next my mother poses this question to my brother (the tech head) "is this some new way to charge something?" She wasn't kidding. She's just crazy sometimes. My brother nearly peed his pants he laughed so hard.

My second concern was when I called my father up and asked how it was going his reply was "I'm iPODing it." Hmmmmmm. Wow.

Third concern, whenever we are trying to tell my dad he is too old for something he claims with great pride, "I have an iPOD."

Fourth concern, call my parents on Valentine's day, my mother screeches, "You father gave me a nano?" She said nano like a question because she wasn't sure how to pronounce it. Oh goodie.

And now when I call my parents my dad says, "We're iPODing it."

I (heart) Julian and Trinity

Today was a great day, not just because I handed Hello Kitty valentines to everyone in the office, although that was great. It wasn't the fact that I ate D'Bronx pizza for lunch although that was really great too.

But I babysat for the cutest kids ever tonight. I've had them in my two year old class for the last year (yes that's right their twins). I never really babysat when I was younger, I just wasn't really into it. But ever since Katie got me started teaching the two-year old class, I just can't wait to be with these kids every week. I was so excited when they asked me to watch their kids, I was probably a bit enthusiastic.

It was a really good way to spend Valentine's Day, I really do love these kids, all of my kids, not just Trinity and Julian.

So Happy Valentine's Day all, I hope everyone spent it with people they love.

HEADLIGHTS!!!

Last weekend I went on a spontaneous road trip to St Louis. I was sitting in the Prayer Room last Friday minding my own business when Matthias and James (Jesse's brother - Jesse is my administrative assistant and fiancee to my roommate Char, who also works with me)came prancing down the aisle, as they came back up the aisle James petted my head and Matthias leaned down and asked me if I wanted to go to St Louis.

I instinctively said, "uh no." But then I thought, what am I doing in the next 18 hours? Why couldn't I go? I couldn't think of any reasonable excuse. So I quickly changed my mind and an hour later (12AM) we were headed to St Louis. James and I were the primary drivers on the trip, as Amanda had class the next day and Matthias swears he will never ever drive in his lifetime (we did teach him how to pump gas at the 7eleven).

Upon arriving in St Louis we snuck in James' house like the true ninjas we are (in reality I giggled the whole time because I'm bad at sneaking things, my automatic fear response is laughter, I can't help it) to surprise James' brother John B. Amanda had the video camera all ready, she turned to his bed with the green night vision light only to discover John B was on a church retreat. That was much ado about nothing. We snuck back out of the house without ever being noticed. From here we went on to pick up James' girlfriend, and then on to the arch.

It is at this point at about 4:30 AM we become a bit lost trying to find a parking spot, somehow we ended up on a highway heading into Illinois (all hail). We flipped a U-turn and James comes to screeching halt and runs out of the car and lays himself flat on the pavement right on the white dotted line, we all laugh and proceed to follow him. Just as my head lays down, James yells headlights and we all scream and jump up and soar back to car, I screamed twice more in the car just for dramatic effect.

There was no parking anywhere near the arch at 4:30 in the morning, so in yet another daring move, James parks the car right in the middle of the street right next the Arch. So out we run up a very steep hill and to the arch, where once again we lay flat on the ground staring up at the arch. It was way cooler then I thought it was going to be. It sort of shimmered in the spotlights and it was huge.

We had only a few minutes as we were illegally parked, so we ran back to the car climbed in and set off to find a steak and shake.

Two steak and shakes later we were back on the road by 7AM, it was at this point that the two boys bet me that I couldn't stay awake the whole ride back. I bet them I could and that neither one of them would make it. They were bold in their trash talk. But what they didn't know is that I have been on roadtrips with both of their brothers. Experience has taught me that neither the brysons nor the wells' do very well on low sleep in cars.

So about 15 minutes in Matthias dropped out and slept the whole way with his mouth open. Two and half hours in James pulled his cap over his eyes and drifted off. Admittedly I was starting to drop off, so in went the Killers and down went the windows and we made it back without incident; I, obviously, winning over the two boys who clearly needed their beauty rest.

Just around the corner

I've had a rough week. Work has been crazy and it's conference week. It seems this week every step forward comes just before four steps back. It's a bit discouraging.

But here's the weird thing, I've had this sense something good is about to happen to me; like something is just around the corner.

It also makes me think that the Lord has really blessed me in the last two or three weeks, he has really given me a peace about all the difficult things that have come my way. I mean sure, I'm still a basket case, but there are days like this last Monday, when he just swoops in and kisses me.

It's hard to describe without going into a dear diary moment, which I'll spare you. I don't know, maybe God is blessing me with my freedom. Freedom from the fear of what people think, freedom from my own expectations, freedom from lies I have told myself my whole life.

Maybe this is a gift for really facing my stuff, for really digging deep these last seven months. Maybe this isn't even a gift, maybe it's just a part of the continual goodness of God in my life.

Alright I've got to sign off, Annyoung is playing with the turkey baster again.

Matthias, what a lovely mullet you have!

Halftime show gone awry

I’ll admit, I watched .00001% of the superbowl. I’m redoing parts of my house and I was in the midst of tearing down vinyl wallpaper. I hate wallpaper, but more then I hate wallpaper I hate wallpaper paste. The chemicals you have to use are caustic and they drip everywhere, and Annyoung apparently thinks they are delicious.

So at any rate, I turned my head long enough to catch the halftime show, with a 60 year old man prancing about a gigantic tongue; his arm skin flapping in the wind whilst his boney hips bounced around in skin tight pants. Vulgar doesn’t even begin to describe what occurred.

I really think the Rolling Stones need to be banned. They had they’re day in the sun, they played some good music, I like a handful of songs. But they’ve gone too far. They are no longer what they used to be, they are sad wrinkled version of what they once were. Maybe that’s what depresses me, It just makes me sad seeing them play the same songs they’ve played for a trillion decades. What would it be like to be known forever for something you did 40 years a go when you were so strung out you can’t even really remember how it happened? I’m sorry, but that’s sad.

Maybe I never really liked them that much to begin with, maybe that’s why this seems particularly vulgar.

I’m calling for an end, let’s ban together and buy a greatest hits album and shut the door on this fascination with this old rock star

Psalms and vacations ideas

I've been reading through the Psalms lately. It's the Bible's version of comfort food. It's like biscuits and gravy with a chai from Broadway cafe. At any rate, I've noticed there is an occasional description of God and water that thunders.

The voice of the LORD is over the waters;
the God of glory thunders,
the LORD thunders over the mighty waters.
The voice of the LORD is powerful;
the voice of the LORD is majestic. (Ps 29:3-4)

The seas have lifted up, O LORD,
the seas have lifted up their voice;
the seas have lifted up their pounding waves.
Mightier than the thunder of the great waters,
mightier than the breakers of the seas
the LORD on high is mighty. (Ps 93:3-4)

Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot wash it away.
If one were to give
all the wealth of his house for love,
it would be utterly scorned. (SOS 8:7)
I realize not a Psalm, but amazing...

A few years ago my friend Erin and I went on a road trip to Toronto. One of the best trips I've ever taken. On the way up to Toronto we decided to spend a night on the Canadian side of Niagara Falls (which if I can put in my two cents is a much more fulfilling experience then the American side - but maybe it was the Mounties). I'm so glad we decided to stay there. It was so amazing.

I was in charge of the accommodations for the trip and I randomly picked some hotel where we got a sweet deal (we went in late October). When we arrived we discovered we had a pretty nice hotel (pictured above), and they upgraded our hotel room, I think because Erin looked cute in her matching mittens and scarf. I believe the room number was 1701, we swore we would remember so we could come back. There was a fire place in the room, and the entire north wall of the hotel room was plate glass, floor to ceiling. We got in and just smiled smugly and then I asked her quizzically "what is that noise?" She looked at me and tilted her head, and said "wow that's loud." We both turned to look at the giant window; it was the roar of water. For the next twenty minutes we just stared out that window.

We went out that night and got a closer look (they light the falls at night). It was the single most awesome natural thing I have ever seen. That night we went to sleep on the best bed of slept on to this day, we fell asleep to this roar. I'll admit a tear slid down my face thinking about how big God was.

I am nothing in comparision to him. Psalm 8:4 poses a similar idea "What is man that you are mindful of him?" I think a lot of people ask this when they see this amazing sight. Maybe not quite like David did, but I'm sure they wonder what this life is really all about. Why are they breathing air? Why are they doing so many crazy and busy things when there are things like this all over the earth? It all most makes our everyday lives seem insignificant. But just beyond all those questions, just beyond those thoughts is the truth... we are beloved of God. Niagara Falls is saying "Look how big I am, God is bigger, and he loves you and and is in violent pursuit of you."


We woke up the next morning and Erin pointed out some of the above verses as we bundled up to go take pictures. I nodded and imagined the day I would hear the roar of Lion of Judah.

His love cannot be quenched by many waters; his love is a fire so big that Niagara has nothing on it. What would my life look like if I understood this reality? How would I live differently if I could better understand the scope of this love? Lately I've been sitting in the prayer room just meditating on his feelings towards me, I feel myself softening. I also find myself feeling the heart of God for other people. This is the most peculiar thing, it has happened at the strangest moments and I have felt this burden about seemingly random people.

Makes me wonder if God shows his love to us in waves, it washes over the hearts of his people in these unexpected moments. These waves never end, day after day, before the world began and long after the cries of the martyers is satisfied, these waves will flow over us. Maybe in the Millenial Kingdom I can get Jesus to meet me at Niagara falls and we can just stare into that huge cave of water and marvel at the Father's love.

Set me as a seal on your heart God, for love is as strong as death, it's flames of fire so big that many waters cannot quench it.

Happy Birthday Dale

Dale is by far one of the best people I have worked with ever. That's saying something. I work with a lot of great people. Today is her birthday, today is a great day to list the top ten things I love about Dale...

10. Dale is long suffering (with everyone)

9. Dale has great boundaries

8. Dale is painfully, hilariously, and necessarily honest

7. Dale is a MAC momma

6. Dale shines with wisdom and clarity

5. Dale is kinder than she has to be

4. Dale is able to do anything

3. Dale is a multi-tasking mastermind

2. Dale is easily adaptable

1. (drumroll please) Dale loves people and Jesus well

Proverb of the Day - a la Philip Weiler

I love Philip, he is an essential part of my work everyday, he makes me sane.

Here is just a touch of his unending wisdom.


Do not under any circumstance or fear of death open the candy ball machine in front of more then four kids.