Just around the corner

I've had a rough week. Work has been crazy and it's conference week. It seems this week every step forward comes just before four steps back. It's a bit discouraging.

But here's the weird thing, I've had this sense something good is about to happen to me; like something is just around the corner.

It also makes me think that the Lord has really blessed me in the last two or three weeks, he has really given me a peace about all the difficult things that have come my way. I mean sure, I'm still a basket case, but there are days like this last Monday, when he just swoops in and kisses me.

It's hard to describe without going into a dear diary moment, which I'll spare you. I don't know, maybe God is blessing me with my freedom. Freedom from the fear of what people think, freedom from my own expectations, freedom from lies I have told myself my whole life.

Maybe this is a gift for really facing my stuff, for really digging deep these last seven months. Maybe this isn't even a gift, maybe it's just a part of the continual goodness of God in my life.

Alright I've got to sign off, Annyoung is playing with the turkey baster again.

Matthias, what a lovely mullet you have!

Halftime show gone awry

I’ll admit, I watched .00001% of the superbowl. I’m redoing parts of my house and I was in the midst of tearing down vinyl wallpaper. I hate wallpaper, but more then I hate wallpaper I hate wallpaper paste. The chemicals you have to use are caustic and they drip everywhere, and Annyoung apparently thinks they are delicious.

So at any rate, I turned my head long enough to catch the halftime show, with a 60 year old man prancing about a gigantic tongue; his arm skin flapping in the wind whilst his boney hips bounced around in skin tight pants. Vulgar doesn’t even begin to describe what occurred.

I really think the Rolling Stones need to be banned. They had they’re day in the sun, they played some good music, I like a handful of songs. But they’ve gone too far. They are no longer what they used to be, they are sad wrinkled version of what they once were. Maybe that’s what depresses me, It just makes me sad seeing them play the same songs they’ve played for a trillion decades. What would it be like to be known forever for something you did 40 years a go when you were so strung out you can’t even really remember how it happened? I’m sorry, but that’s sad.

Maybe I never really liked them that much to begin with, maybe that’s why this seems particularly vulgar.

I’m calling for an end, let’s ban together and buy a greatest hits album and shut the door on this fascination with this old rock star

Psalms and vacations ideas

I've been reading through the Psalms lately. It's the Bible's version of comfort food. It's like biscuits and gravy with a chai from Broadway cafe. At any rate, I've noticed there is an occasional description of God and water that thunders.

The voice of the LORD is over the waters;
the God of glory thunders,
the LORD thunders over the mighty waters.
The voice of the LORD is powerful;
the voice of the LORD is majestic. (Ps 29:3-4)

The seas have lifted up, O LORD,
the seas have lifted up their voice;
the seas have lifted up their pounding waves.
Mightier than the thunder of the great waters,
mightier than the breakers of the seas
the LORD on high is mighty. (Ps 93:3-4)

Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot wash it away.
If one were to give
all the wealth of his house for love,
it would be utterly scorned. (SOS 8:7)
I realize not a Psalm, but amazing...

A few years ago my friend Erin and I went on a road trip to Toronto. One of the best trips I've ever taken. On the way up to Toronto we decided to spend a night on the Canadian side of Niagara Falls (which if I can put in my two cents is a much more fulfilling experience then the American side - but maybe it was the Mounties). I'm so glad we decided to stay there. It was so amazing.

I was in charge of the accommodations for the trip and I randomly picked some hotel where we got a sweet deal (we went in late October). When we arrived we discovered we had a pretty nice hotel (pictured above), and they upgraded our hotel room, I think because Erin looked cute in her matching mittens and scarf. I believe the room number was 1701, we swore we would remember so we could come back. There was a fire place in the room, and the entire north wall of the hotel room was plate glass, floor to ceiling. We got in and just smiled smugly and then I asked her quizzically "what is that noise?" She looked at me and tilted her head, and said "wow that's loud." We both turned to look at the giant window; it was the roar of water. For the next twenty minutes we just stared out that window.

We went out that night and got a closer look (they light the falls at night). It was the single most awesome natural thing I have ever seen. That night we went to sleep on the best bed of slept on to this day, we fell asleep to this roar. I'll admit a tear slid down my face thinking about how big God was.

I am nothing in comparision to him. Psalm 8:4 poses a similar idea "What is man that you are mindful of him?" I think a lot of people ask this when they see this amazing sight. Maybe not quite like David did, but I'm sure they wonder what this life is really all about. Why are they breathing air? Why are they doing so many crazy and busy things when there are things like this all over the earth? It all most makes our everyday lives seem insignificant. But just beyond all those questions, just beyond those thoughts is the truth... we are beloved of God. Niagara Falls is saying "Look how big I am, God is bigger, and he loves you and and is in violent pursuit of you."


We woke up the next morning and Erin pointed out some of the above verses as we bundled up to go take pictures. I nodded and imagined the day I would hear the roar of Lion of Judah.

His love cannot be quenched by many waters; his love is a fire so big that Niagara has nothing on it. What would my life look like if I understood this reality? How would I live differently if I could better understand the scope of this love? Lately I've been sitting in the prayer room just meditating on his feelings towards me, I feel myself softening. I also find myself feeling the heart of God for other people. This is the most peculiar thing, it has happened at the strangest moments and I have felt this burden about seemingly random people.

Makes me wonder if God shows his love to us in waves, it washes over the hearts of his people in these unexpected moments. These waves never end, day after day, before the world began and long after the cries of the martyers is satisfied, these waves will flow over us. Maybe in the Millenial Kingdom I can get Jesus to meet me at Niagara falls and we can just stare into that huge cave of water and marvel at the Father's love.

Set me as a seal on your heart God, for love is as strong as death, it's flames of fire so big that many waters cannot quench it.

Happy Birthday Dale

Dale is by far one of the best people I have worked with ever. That's saying something. I work with a lot of great people. Today is her birthday, today is a great day to list the top ten things I love about Dale...

10. Dale is long suffering (with everyone)

9. Dale has great boundaries

8. Dale is painfully, hilariously, and necessarily honest

7. Dale is a MAC momma

6. Dale shines with wisdom and clarity

5. Dale is kinder than she has to be

4. Dale is able to do anything

3. Dale is a multi-tasking mastermind

2. Dale is easily adaptable

1. (drumroll please) Dale loves people and Jesus well

Proverb of the Day - a la Philip Weiler

I love Philip, he is an essential part of my work everyday, he makes me sane.

Here is just a touch of his unending wisdom.


Do not under any circumstance or fear of death open the candy ball machine in front of more then four kids.

I see a red door...

I don’t know what to write today, I feel random and tired and weird. I think it’s the weather. It is beautiful outside and the air smells like spring and baby chickens and tulips and stuff. I’m not in the mood for it. I hate winter as much as the next mid-westerner, but this spring has come too soon. I’m not ready, this is me stomping my foot in protest.

I’m sitting here wondering if this is a metaphor for my life, and I don’t want to think about that so I’m going to move on.

Maybe I didn’t get enough sleep last night, my outlook is dreary.

For all those who been sufficiently confused or depressed by this entry log on here…

It’ll be good to laugh.

Ode to David

Cosmic bowling was a huge success, my brother is a rockstar. Even when we were kids he had the Midas touch. Anything he picks up turns to gold; bowling balls, tennis rackets, and pool cues. The kid is amazing.

On the way to his birthday brouhaha, the kid held court on conversations ranging from compression and cam shaft configurations (which for the record I was able to chime in on and make several notable points) and algorithms for calculating the day Easter will fall on each year.

I'm so proud of my baby brother. He is incredibly smart and profoundly well rounded. He loves sports, computers, cars. And he's not a nerd about any of those things. He's a very understated individual, he doesn't flaunt his stuff, you'd never know this kid was a boy genius (especially not with the medicine ball sized hole in the butt of his jeans).

Happy Birthday, David. May the next year be richer then you could imagine.

I love being home...

So just to update you... I have slept and ate, and slept and ate. I saw by cousin's baby... aww she's cute. I ate lunch with my grandmother, she's cute too. We are going bowling tonight with the fam. Should be very exciting. Then I'll probably eat and sleep. I went to the Prayer Furnace in Chicago, saw one of my dearest friends in the whole world, James, who has a wife and baby of his own. I saw a lot of other people I haven't seen in awhile. It's great to see the House of Prayer in the City doing so well. I love Marvin and Sally and their family. They are such a blessing to the city.

Alright so off I am to cosmic bowl...

At last...

I'm here in my great homeland. Sigh, deeper sigh. Upon departing the airplane there is an immediate vibe, Chicago just feels different. I have to say it... it's the great north! I almost kissed the ground. I swear you can smell pizza right off the plane.

There is also a certain speed I forget about. Everything is faster, I'm sure, not noticeable to most, but there is a difference. Maybe it's the moving walkways, but I think it's the attitude. I love it. It fits me. There is no talking or looking at strangers, everyone is focused and moving towards a goal.

Everyone is so serious, which I noticed as I walked by a mirrored wall, I looked like I was attending a funeral, so did everyone else. Mentally, I smiled. I like my blank face, it requires very little energy.

All the while I'm listening to Keith Urban's new album. It was an interesting juxtaposition. If I only had a sweet tea, I would could have been a cultural ambassador, bringing back treasures from the ancient world.

When I arrived home, I was showered in office supply samples (gifts befitting my ambassador status). This only makes sense if you know my family. I have already managed to gather two large sacks of retractable highlighters permanent markers, computer screen wipes, various types of adhesive, an anti-microbial mouse pad and one glass post-it note dispenser. Did I mention a set of neon binder indexes?

Life can't get much better.

I'm Being Attacked

I kid you not, whenever I try to leave town, all hell breaks lose. Work has been slow lately in the post onething world, and then all of a sudden today I had 1000 bricks dropped directly on my head.

I had two meetings scheduled, another two or three popped up from nowhere, in between all that I was generating a mad amount of invoices, each of them consuming large amounts of time and brain cells normally dedicated to keeping my brain cool and collected. I overheated on several occasions and actually shouted in the hallway that I hated my life, which of course resulted in several more spontaneous meetings from my hallway neighbors.

Thankfully I have been able to fast most of the day, if you don't count advil and redvines.

And the day has barely begun. I have packing, chores, and regular "wrap up my crap" stuff that has to get done.

But I'm so excited for a little R&R, it my brother's 21st birthday, and I'm coming home to love and annoy him in a way only a big sister could. Also slated on this trip, eating my mother's homemade baked mostaccioli (yes I had to look that up). My mouth waters just thinking about it. I know there are some other delectable dishes on the menu. Yum.

So I think I have just wrapped up my last call at work, so now off to the homestead where more fun is, I'm sure, just around the riverbend.

Annyoung

Annyoung
Originally uploaded by tavila1017.

I love my cat. I'm not some weird cat lady, I promise. The plain truth of the matter is that Annyoung is a very cool cat. Named from a character is a very cool show, Arrested Development. So good start there.

Second, he's a ninja. From the moment I brought him home he was doing this ninja kick that shocked and awed all my roomates. He also has a roll twist maneuver to avoid any swats from his pissy sister Tulip.

He loves small places. He loves them, when I wake up in the morning he jumps on my bead and stalks my face, purring so loudly he is hardly stealth. He then procedes to shove he face into one of my nostrils or directly against my lips. One time for fun my old roomate and dearest friend opened her mouth and he stuck his whole head inside. He also likes boxes, plastic bags, and bowls. He'll curl up and sleep in them for hours.

He's an intense little beast, but he's my baby and I love him to death!

I’m Working On Me… (and it’s rough like HK)

Lately I’ve been working on me. This is not so pretty. In fact it’s rough. I’ve been looking at my life, looking for patterns. I’m looking for reasons for my poor decisions or my equally poor reactions. Some of this is just, well; it’s just what it is: bad calls. But I keep making them, somewhat surprised every time at the outcome.

This decisions and feelings have made me think, "I don’t know myself that well." Even more interesting, the "me" I know, doesn’t line up with reality. Basically I’m saying; who I think I am has slowly but radically become a different person from who I really am.

Don’t worry; I think this story has a better ending then Primal Fear. But the point is the same; am I really being honest in how I live? Can I be, when I’m so unfamiliar with the real me?
Hence the title I’m Working on Me. I’m stumbling back to this true self. I wandering back to my beginnings and trying to straighten the crooked. I’m bringing Jesus back with me. He’s helping to correct these misadventures, these lies I have told myself for years. He’s whispering softly to me about a child he made in a womb about 23 years ago. He’s telling me who she was made to be.

These are things I haven’t thought about in awhile… who has God made me to be? It’s a question that is really obvious, I just haven’t asked in awhile. I’m not sure if the question hurt my heart, because I’m unsure sometimes if I’m living on this path. Am I becoming the person God has made me to be?

So that’s a lot. Not sure you wanted to know all that. Ha. (insert nervous laughter)…

Till the End

John 13:1 came to me this morning. It is a picture of Jesus I love. Something that he had recorded by John thousands of years a go. Yet one day he whispered it in my ear, one day it stuck me and revealed more of him to my heart.

"It was just before the Passover Feast. Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love."

After this Jesus goes on to wash his disciples feet, literally. And soon afterward he is offered up on the cross to wash their souls.What is love? It is that a friend would lay down his life. What is the full extent of the Father's love? He bows then and washes the feet of his friends. Is this his way of saying, "I am about to die? I am about to wash you clean, not just physically but I am about to wash your soul. I am about to be like a lamb led to slaughter. My blood will wash you and your descendants."

"He loved them to the end." This is what some translations say. He loved them with everything he had, he poured himself out completely. There was nothing left, he loved them unto death. Jesus is the very definition of love, love till the end.

Washing the feet of his disciples, was the fullest extent of the love of God.

Who is this man?

Okay, here we go

This is one of those things I swore I would never do. Blog. But lately I've been reading a blog (thank you Randy), and I've really enjoyed it. So here I find myself venturing out into the cold world of my own opinions. Here are the questions I am posing to myself:do I have something to contribute?will this blog be worth reading?am I really just massaging my ego?

Ultimately it will just be me, it will be what I think and what I believe, I'll rant and rave and be opinonated. Boiled down, who knows what it will turn into, who knows what it will look like.I guess we'll just wait and see